1977 World Sex Almanac
by Hank Sweetroll


A handy-dandy catalog of facts and figures pertaining to who done it, where, 
with what and how big. Odds and ends about strange orifices and appendages, 
the biggest and the smallest, including world-setting records for all sorts 
of activities. Interviews with some of the sex world's international heroes 
and heroines telling how it feels to win for having the biggest and being 
the best! 


FOREWORD 

Have you ever casually commented that your neighbor's nipples are probably 
the biggest in the world? Did you ever stop to think that you might be 
right? When you last read about a teenage girl with two vaginas or a 
middle-aged woman with no cunt at all (who gets her sexual satisfaction, 
incidentally, in her ass-hole) did it cross your mind that these women might 
live up the block? 

The point is that such people with strange bodily formations, with large 
organs or peculiar talents, live among us. Maybe even YOU are one of them?! 

The owners of such friendly mutations and skills as are the subjects of this 
book are not Martians. Nor are they underwater sea monsters. 

Rather, they are living, breathing people, human beings just like Sally up 
the block or Sue next door. 

Some of these people belong to history, and others are with us today. In 
either case, it is to these fine fellow creatures this Sex Almanac is 
dedicated. 

Occasionally, where the editors deemed it necessary, we have changed a name 
or two. Otherwise, the facts remain as they were found in the history books 
or newspapers, or as they were reported by our staff and the people 
themselves. 

-The Publisher 



ABNORMAL ARRANGEMENTS 

Double Header 

According to confirmed reports from two eyewitness females, there lives a 
man in San Diego, California, a Mr. Jack Hornbelt who has not one organ, but 
two, completely functional, fully capable penises. The two phallic 
appendages share a single scrotum and they operate independently of one 
another. 

At the point of attachment, the two penises are less than an inch apart. 
They point away from one another at a nearly ninety degree angle. 

One of the women who made her report to our editors claims to have seen the 
man during a state of sexual arousal: "It was quite remarkable. After all, 
how often is it that you see two dicks, side by side, on the same man, fully 
erect. But there they were, both of them, standing up proud as day like a 
couple of flag poles. They're both circumcised, and I'd say the combined 
length, if you could lay them end to end, is somewhere around ten or twelve 
inches-you know, average. Same for thickness, too. I suppose he could fuck 
two very skinny girls at the same time if he really wanted to. Or maybe a 
kangaroo. (You know kangaroos, with their bifurcated vaginas and all!)" 

She also reported that the two organs looked normal when considered 
separately. 

Mr. Hornbelt himself tells most of his friends when they ask: "With me it's 
normal. I mean, I always get two erections, I never thought it was anyway 
different for all the other guys till I was around four. It don't matter to 
me. I always get just one orgasm anyhow. Don't ask me why." 

When asked if he ever considered surgery to make himself "more normal" Mr. 
Hornbelt shook his head sadly. "Wife won't hear of it, you know. Just 
doesn't want to listen to any kind of talk like that. Don't ask my why. Just 
won't hear of it." 

Something Extra 

Selma Debber reported to the local paper in Kingston, Colorado, that her 
husband's testicles numbered three instead of the usual two. When questioned 
on the veracity of this strange brag, Mr. Debber himself stepped forward and 
volunteered to display his member and genitals in general in order to make 
the public claim stand up. Officials from Kingston suggested that a licensed 
physician inspect Mr. Debber and that his word be taken for granted. A 
female physician was selected to do the counting, and, sure enough, after a 
minute or two alone with Mr. Debber (and his wife), the physician announced 
that, indeed, Mr. Debber had not two balls, but three. 

Debber claims that he's had three balls ever since he can remember and that 
there doesn't seem to be any special advantage or disadvantage to the fact. 
"My wife thought it was kind of unusual," he told our reporters. "She seemed 
to think that I might make some money off the third one, if we announced it 
and all. That's when she put the story in the papers. I myself don't see 
what advantage it has for me, 'ceptin' the money you fellows gave me to have 
this interview. Not many people interested these days in whether or not a 
man's got balls or not, so it stands to reason they don't care much if he's 
got two, one, three or a dozen, I suppose..." 

The Long Hard Way 

Stories from foreign lands are often difficult to verify. But a report from 
South East Asia states that a bisexual group has been formed to worship a 
teenage boy whose erect phallus measures well over three feet long and 
nearly a halffoot in diameter. When this particular figure was made public 
some ten months ago, we expected challenges from just about every major 
record keeping group in the country, but thus far there have been no 
contenders for this phenomenal record. 

(The often publicized story that John Dillenger's prick hung soft for 
twenty-two inches came up for criticism recently. No one was able to 
successfully confirm or deny this fact, but the editors believe that it's a 
good enough myth to pass on.) 

That Certain Something 

Hairy women are often seen as misfits or oddballs. The most obvious case of 
a woman with a beard, though, occurs in the Archives of the London Merrimac 
where a photo of Alice L. Ender-berry, who died in the early 1940's, 
testifies to the fact that at the age of eighteen Ms. Enderberry's face was 
covered with manly hair. She had all the other attributes of a woman, 
including fully developed comely breasts, a functional pubic-covered vagina, 
a working uterus, and, oh, yes, one other thing: a fully developed working 
penis! 

There have been no witnesses to the rumor that Ms. Enderberry had 
intercourse with herself. 

Phallic Brag 

Some men will do anything for kicks. Among the strangest skillful task ever 
performed by a man, the one that struck us as the most unique-you might even 
say oddball-was the one performed by Mr. Alan Wendel. He is able to lift 
with a metal support system the weight of his children (three small ones) 
and his wife on his extended penis. 

No one has reported why, exactly, Mr. Wendel chooses to spend his spare time 
practicing such an exercise. 

Can You Beat That? 

A French hooker reported-and her version has been confirmed-that Mme. Elan 
uses fully developed cantaloupes for self-abuse. On a dare, in a side-show 
in Toulons, Mme. Elan masturbated herself with a kick ball. 

SEXUAL ATHLETICS 

The Big Lift 

Hanna Louise, now sixty-two, in her prime, was able to lift a forty-two 
pound weight merely by contracting the muscles in her vagina. She has 
supported such weight for a period of well over a half-hour without 
difficulty on at least three separate occasions. 

When interviewed and asked how it was she got started at this particular 
activity, Mrs. Louise said circus," she said when questioned delicately 
about this rather unusual ability. "I know that not everyone can do such 
things, and that not everyone would even think about trying. But I've been a 
part of performing so long that it just came natural to simply: "I wanted to 
be able to squeeze my husband just about as hard as he could enjoy it. And 
one thing led to another. It got to be a hobby. He-likes it. And I do too." 

Straight Up 

Leonard Stores, born in 1912, in Redbank, Alabama, a circus performer and 
side-show man extraordinaire, balanced an eight-foot pillar weighing more 
than a hundred pounds on his erect penis. His record time turned out to be 
two hours, thirty-five minutes and fifteen seconds. 

Stores, a relatively small man, reported to his grandson that he started in 
on such activities on a post circus bet. Some of the guys were bragging 
about this and that when Stores stood up and made his outrageous claim. From 
then on he made a living proving his muscle power in just that way. 

Hot Suck 

Acrobatic Leslie Brenner, a performer in a well-known circus, showed herself 
able to grasp a knotted silk chord between the walls of her vagina, and 
swing, upside down, across the center ring at a height of sixty-five feet. 
Thus suspended, she has demonstrated various feats, including six advanced 
forms of cat's cradle string-tying. Mrs. Brenner is six feet four inches 
tall, and she weighs just under one-hundred and eighty pounds. 

"I think it's the fact that I grew up in the me. I hope you don't think I'm 
conceited or anything but I think I'll go down in history for being able to 
do it that way." 

Anyone For Skateboards? 

Lester Hawkins of Culver City, California, has invented and patented a 
roller skate which can be attached to the male genital organ. In a 
demonstration at a toy manufacturers convention in San Francisco, on 
September 11, 1971, Mr. Hawkins, using his device and a holster apparatus, 
skated nonstop across a demonstration area two hundred yards long. His 
muscle was erect all the way. 

L'Artiste! 

The works of Cecelia Barnes, long famed for her incredible need for privacy, 
have been valued at well over the million mark. No minor artist, Ms. Barnes 
was always talked about as a perfectionist. 

But until recently, no one had ever seen Ms. Barnes at work. Last year, 
however, a former model broke the years of promised silence and revealed 
that Ms. Barnes painted only with her ass-hole. She would stick the handle 
end of the brush into her relaxed sphincter, flex, and take it away. "It was 
quite a sight to behold," said the model. "Naturally, she was very careful 
in picking her models. She tried to find people who would keep a good 
secret. It's not unusual with artists to make models sign such privacy 
contracts. But this was too much. I just had to tell." 

Ms. Barnes's paintings will be on exhibit in Los Angeles in 1978. 

The Great Effort 

An amateur filmmaker recently won an award for technical inventiveness. He 
attached a camera to his dick and let it hang between his model's legs while 
screwing her with the head of his muscle. His buddies, on seeing the 
footage, went to the nearest trophy store to buy young Director Pain-diris a 
Gold Cup. "Luckily," said one of the young men, "he was only shooting eight 
millimeter stuff." The filmed intercourse is proof of this particular record 
in strange athletic performances. 

Hunt And Pecker Method 

Mr. A. Cannon Hoyt bragged that he can type with one appendage only, faster 
than anyone in the town of Lizzard, Nebraska. There were no challengers to 
his brag, but Mr. Hoyt proceeded to demonstrate for our judges anyhow. With 
his erect muscle he set himself to work at an electric typewriter doing no 
less than fifty words per minute. 

Ancient History 

This odd record comes to us from Spanish 

History: A Senor Allabaster fought off his enemies with an erection. He tied 
to his steely muscle a long-handled thwacking blade razor sharp on both ends 
and dueled each and every one of his enemies with the mighty weapon. He won, 
as would be expected, all but the last battle during which he was castrated. 
Unable to live with the idea that he could no longer do battle, Senor 
Allabaster committed suicide. 

ALTERATIONS 

Mission Successful! 

The most successful transplant operations have been those in which a man 
changes into a woman. Obviously, it's easier to castrate a man and develop a 
vagina between his/her legs than it is to unfold a woman's pussy and erect a 
muscle there. 

However, an East Coast research team made this report: 

"The most successful gentler operation and accompanying organ transplant was 
performed by a Swiss medical team on January 23, 1965, at the Liber Clinic 
in Geneva, Switzerland. The patient, formerly Miss Hariet Hillstess of East 
Rockland County, Georgia, now Harry Hill, of Star Creek, Alabama, underwent 
3 hours of surgery, during which time her breasts were removed and a six 
inch penis made by Sandoz was implanted. 

"The operation was a total success and today, thanks to hormones and two 
more surgeries, Mr. Hill cannot be considered any different from any other 
man in his town." 

Surgery and physical transmogrifications have become more and more common as 
the advent of modern science increases the patient's chances for a smooth 
and nearly invisible physical transition from one sex to another. 

As of the present moment, however, no one has undergone surgery in both 
directions, that is from male to female and back again, or from female to 
male and back to female. But someday... 

APHRODISIAC-BEST SELLING 

Scientists and teenagers alike have long sought after the most popular of 
all drugs, the aphrodisiac. For what man on earth has never been in the 
situation when a little help from Mother Nature would not have made all the 
difference in the world? like the Fountain of Youth, the perfect aphrodisiac 
remains undiscovered. But there have been some very, very close calls: 

-There are 42,541 known organic and chemical substances which can be 
effectively used to produce sexual stimulation in the human species. 

-The most potent aphrodisiac is a drug identified as geblincortyn-glycerol. 
The only problem with this drug and others like it is that the stimulation 
lasts despite orgasm. In other words, a woman will be stimulated into 
wanting intercourse, but she won't stop wanting it once she gets it. 
Similarly, a man may get an erection from taking the drug, but he won't stop 
having an erection just because he has a subsequent ejaculation. 

-Most aphrodisiacs are very mild and give the user a slight sense of 
euphoria as well as stimulated sexual drives. 

-Army experiments show that the best approach to raising a man or a woman's 
sex drive is through the brain. With proper wiring, for instance, the Army 
can turn on anyone! 

-The "Best Selling" aphrodisiac of all time is unquestionably nutmeg. More 
people have bought the spice in an effort to stimulate their sexual 
appetites than any other drug or specialty item ever. 

BREASTS-LARGEST 

Due to the number of people involved in making such a judgment, it's 
difficult to say for sure who exactly has the largest breasts in the world. 
For the purpose of our study, however, we used the following criteria: 

I) A woman must have completed puberty in order to be considered. 

2) Such women must be under fifty. (Reason being that women over fifty tend 
to have a slight advantage due to sag.) 

3) Synthetic organs must be considered separately. 

4) The size of the nipple will not be included in the final measurements. 

With no further ado, then: 

Mrs. Randolph Cleave of Saratoga, New York came in first place. Her breasts, 
measured once in the morning and once in the evening just to be sure, 
finished up at ninety-seven and one-half inches. Mrs. Cleave claims never to 
have exercised, and she says that "even as a child I had large tits. It 
wasn't something special in my family. My Grandmother had big tits, too, 
probably in the eighties. The whole family, in fact, had big breasts. The 
kids get a lot of razzing now, but their hubbies will appreciate this family 
trait someday, I'm sure..." 

Mrs. Cleave, forty-two years old, says that having such large breasts are 
really not that much of a problem for her. She gets her bras made specially 
at a local custom sewing store. Cups are shipped in from a costume company 
in New York City. 

"Once," added Mrs. Cleave, "I thought about having surgery, just because I 
was getting so top heavy and all. It's not something I wanted to do but 
something I thought might be for my own best good. Well, you should have 
heard the stink my husband raised. You'd think that the whole world was 
coming to an end. I knew right then that I'd always be just a little top 
heavy." 

So says the woman with the biggest tits in the world-"just a little top 
heavy." 

The largest synthetic breasts are owned and operated by a Miss Alexa Purvey. 
Alexa is twenty-one years old, lives in Los Angeles and works-you guessed 
it-as a topless bar maid on Sunset Boulevard. 

"I wrote off the operation," says the professional waitress. "Strictly 
business." 

"Surgery," says Dr. Moorehead who performed the operation, "took well over 
four hours-about a hundred twenty-eight minutes per titty. It's not the kind 
of operation I like to do single-handed, if you know what I mean," adds the 
world famous sex organ doctor, "but with Ms. Purvey it was a pleasure-a 
real, honest-to-goodness pleasure. I'm kind of proud of the end results, 
too, you know. A matched set in my field is about the best you can do." 

The two breasts are a perfect pair of silicon smoothies mounted in plastic 
flesh cups and sewn over with a natural skin seam which hardly shows at all, 
unless you happen to glance underneath Ms. Purvey's arms. 

The nipples are perfectly formed and colored, thanks to some recent space 
age technology, and this reporter will tell you happily that sitting in Ms. 
Purvey's booth on Sunset Boulevard and sucking off a dry martini is just 
about as fat a pleasure as can be had. 

Ms. Purvey's synthetic boobies measure in at one-hundred inches exactly and 
weight approximately four and one-half pounds each. 

BREASTS-SMALLEST 

In this category, understandably, there have not been a great many 
contenders for the record holding position. 

However, a set of rules was established and a few participants submitted 
their measurements. A contender had to be at least twenty-one years old and 
she had to have had no surgical or hormonal changes done to her body. 
Measurements were done in terms of nipple size. 

The smallest existing breasts in the world belong to Selma L. Ransom who 
lives in Chicago, Illinois, with her mother and father. Selma's nipples, 
barely visible to the unaided eye, rise from the surface of her smooth chest 
just about one centimeter. 

BREASTS-UGLIEST 

Understandably, again, there were no many contestants in this category. 
However, we did have some rather remarkable entries nonetheless. 

One woman has two breasts which are shaped entirely different from each 
other. The left tit is about normal in size but there is a single groove 
running down the middle of the thing and there the skin is hard and 
reddened. The other tit is deformed and shabby, diminutive and nipple-less. 

Another pair of ugly breasts belong to Carol Razbonne from Minnesota. 
Carol's entire chest is covered with hair, and in particular the nipples 
boast little patches of pubic strands, all of them long and black. Asked why 
she doesn't just shave the little buggers away, Carol said, "I've grown used 
to them now. I used to shave them, when I was a child, but not anymore. Now 
I comb my chest and that seems to do the job." 

Lisa Arnold, from Hollywood, California, boasted that she could tie her tits 
in a knot. When we challenged her on this boast, she undressed her chest and 
revealed two of the strangest looking mammaries we've ever seen. They looked 
like long, fleshy pieces of sausage, and, sure enough, Lisa was able to roll 
them one around the other in the fashion of a knot. 

All three girls were awarded record-holder status trophies for having the 
ugliest breasts in the world. 

CLITORIS 

Smallest 

The smallest clitoris ever discovered or recorded by medical science 
belonged to a young Bolivian woman. She complained to her physician about a 
lack of pleasure during sexual intercourse and he discovered that the young 
woman had only a slight rise in the anatomy where there should have been the 
functioning clit button. 

There are recorded cases of women who have no clitoral organ whatsoever. 

Longest 

The size of the clit varies from woman to woman and it often depends on use. 
The average clitoris, however, if there is such a thing, is usually under 
one inch long. If a woman with a half-inch clit masturbates regularly, the 
thing tends to fatten somewhat, to lengthen slightly, and to take on a 
rather robust form, like any well used muscle. Similarly, if the average 
clit is not used at all, if the owner never has intercourse, then it will 
tend to atrophy and will not be predominant in the vagina. 

During a moment of sexual excitement, due to the size, is the only time to 
measure a clitoris. For many years, because of prohibitions against even 
medical surveys, it was not known to what lengths a woman's clit would grow. 
Now, however, thanks to the by-products of various psychological sex 
surveys, we have actual measurements of clit size and shape. 

The longest clit of record is three and three-quarters inches soft. This 
incredible female apparatus belongs to Mrs. Mary Arthur of Deluth, New 
Jersey. Physicians who examined Mrs. Arthur when she first reported the 
large clitoris in her vagina, suspected that she had a residual penis. In 
fact, though, further investigation revealed that Mrs. Arthur's fleshy 
appendage was quite strictly clitoral in form and function. 

Dual Clits 

As a matter of record we would be remiss in our duties not to report that a 
young woman recently checked into the U.C.L.A. Medical Center for a routine 
examination and it was discovered that she had not one but two hefty little 
clit buttons. Doctors inspected Ms. McClusky several times and came up with 
the same startling news, that she was one of the only women in the history 
of the world to have two clitoris organs. Tests run on the young woman's 
tactile responses indicate that though she is doubly endowed as far as 
organs are concerned, she has no special sensual qualities on account of 
this fact. 

Inverted Clits 

A common enough problem among the poorly educated, inverted clits are not 
unique. Such a feature is easily rectified with simple surgical techniques. 

The anatomy of the inverted clitoris is fairly simple to understand. Instead 
of pointing slightly upwards when aroused, the inverted clitoris angles 
downward, into the vagina but away from the center of action. Sometimes it 
withdraws entirely. 

Modern medicine permits a quick change of this feature and many women who 
presumed that they would never have a happy sexual experience have been 
pleasantly surprised with the results from some very simple operations. 
Inverted clits, simply stated, are no longer the show stoppers they used to 
be. 

CONTRACEPTIVES 

According to the findings of a committee headed up by expert birth control 
specialist Dr. Sherry Keller, The American Birth Control Center has reported 
more than eight-thousand various ways of preventing conception. Of these 
there are a handful which qualify as the most popular. (Abstinence is not 
included.) 

Rubbers rate high among the under aged. 

Coils and diaphragms seem to run a close second to rhythm for adults. 

In the United States, rhythm is the second most popular form of birth 
control, the pill taking first place by a large margin. Around the world, 
however, rhythm rates higher. 

DILDOS 

The largest collection of dildos, privately owned, belongs to Seymour 
Konstead, a forty-three year old man living in Paris. Mr. Konstead began 
collecting the phallic objects as a youth, "just after having it on with my 
first girlfriend. Don't ask me why then, it just happened." 

Mr. Konstead's collection dates back to the year 85BC and that particular 
item is a fifteen inch tool with a five inch handle grip made of polished 
wood and having been determined to be a standard piece of paraphernalia for 
that time period in Rome. 

The most valuable tool in Konstead's collection is a rather ornate St. 
Georgian piece studded with diamonds and emeralds and running in the top 
portion nine inches long and four inches wide. It's been nicknamed by the 
collector Alexander's Triumph. 

Mr. Konstead's collection ranges from the ornate to the ordinary. He 
includes in the Parisian museum where his tools are on display every sort of 
phallic device ever invented by man. Where the thing itself no longer 
exists, Konstead has had another made to match written descriptions. He has 
battery-operated silent vibrators sitting alongside hand-operated machines 
more than a thousand years old. 

The entire Konstead dildo collection is valued at somewhere around three 
million dollars. 

ERECTION-LONGEST 

Statisticians have long sought to measure for all time the longest phallus 
in history. Carefully honed records of antiquity show just as much interest 
in this one 'number' as in present day societies. As far back as ancient 
Rome politicians and lay people alike conjured up images of the biggest, the 
strongest, the best and the most efficient, and, naturally, the longest. 

For present day purposes, during this era of libertarian values and notions, 
measurement of penis length is usually done with a plastic, pliable ruler, 
one which will take the shape of the muscle at hand. The measuring device is 
placed at the hilt of the contestant's tool and the tip of the crown is used 
as the demarcation point. 

The average soft prick, when using this method, stretched to full size, 
measures in at just under six inches. Naturally, we should stress that a 
male sex organ of slightly larger or slightly smaller size has no real 
meaning to anyone except the owner of the organ, if at all. Exceptionally 
big muscles, as will be discussed below, are often merely a case for 
curiosity. 

The biggest erection ever reported in modern times belonged to Alexander 
Kendall, age twenty-four at the time of the judgment. His fully aroused 
penis measured nineteen and one-half inches long. 

There are reports of hefty and well-proportioned tools from time to time 
which defy belief. John Dillinger, for instance, is reported to have had a 
twenty-two inch meat. It's also rumored that the phallic appendage is on 
display currently in the Smithsonian Institute. 

Our reporters went to Washington and to the Smithsonian Museum and received, 
upon making the appropriate inquiries, a rather rude turn-down as to the 
possibility of seeing the Dillinger phallus. Whether or not this means the 
organ exists, we do not know. 

ERECTION-HIGHEST ALTITUDE 

There is no accounting for man's (woman's) curiosity about where and when 
the sexual drives can be consummated. The fact is, however, that a great 
many people of both sexes have reported that they've had sex under a variety 
of strange and unconventional circumstances. 

Among the most interesting feats of human skill is man's ability to achieve 
a sexual state in the oddest places. These include the backs of buses, on 
top of washing machines, under houses, in attics, "in the road" and, as is 
indicated by the heading of this chapter, in the air. 

Jet pilots report that they have stimulated themselves while speeding 
through the skies on automatic transport. They say that the thrill is rather 
significantly different than the same-in this case-erection on the ground. 

We can only surmise that some of this kind of thing has happened on space 
launches, but the only known and factual case of an erection at record 
setting altitudes belongs to Air Force Lieutenant William Benderson. 

Benderson, while maneuvering his jet at close to Mach III, managed an eight 
inch boner at an altitude of nearly thirty miles. He ejaculated at fifty-one 
miles and remained stiff until his vehicle set down on a carrier in the 
Atlantic. 

Incidentally, Benderson's record setting flight for the erection at the 
highest altitude also set the record for an erection at the fastest speed. 
No other man in the history of the world claims to live had a successful 
emission while traveling at three times the speed of sound. 

The runner up in this category goes to a young man from Nashville, Tennisee 
who requested that we not use his name. He jumped from' a plane at a height 
of ten miles and instantly opened his parachute and began to masturbate 
himself. It's not the height, really, which wins this fellow our attention, 
but the method. He ejaculated-or so he claims-and pulled up his zipper about 
twenty seconds before hitting the ground. 

ERECTION-AT LOW ALTITUDE 

Believe it or not, Captain Ralph Loaner reports that he aroused himself in 
an underwater cabin-a U.S. Navy research facility-on the ocean's floor. He 
found the experience somewhat more sensuous than had he been at sea level. 

"I don't know why," reports Captain Loaner, "but for some reason an erection 
when you're under two miles of water seems like quite an achievement." 

Captain Loaner reported at a later date that he and Ensign Louise Glick 
experimented sexually under water. They discovered, according to Glick, that 
intercourse on the ocean floor, inside the right sort of capsule, can be 
"about ten times more stimulating than you'd expect at sea level. 

Maybe it's the sense of danger, or just the sight of Mother Nature's fish 
swimming by outside, but whatever it is, it's a real turn-on. I'd go down on 
that thing again just to have a chance to experience the sensuousness of the 
voyage, you know?" 

Loaner himself agreed: "It's a rather unique experience to make love 
underwater in a capsule because you know that you're doing something that no 
one before you and no one after you will ever do. You're alone down there, 
alone with a woman and alone with your thoughts and it's rather romantic. I 
don't underestimate Glick's importance in this mission, either, but I think 
you could stick just about any couple down there, underwater, and they'd 
have a damn tooting good time!" 

Other under water erection records include naked intercourse while wearing 
only a scuba tank, this prize going to Selma and Arnold Jenkins who did the 
feat of skill in their backyard pool: masturbating into orgasmic ejaculation 
eight times in a row, this one set by a woman who was working in underground 
caves in Death Valley. These last awards, though, are fairly minor when 
compared with Captain Loaner and Ensign Glick's undersea accomplishments. 

ERECTIONS-LONGEST SUSTAINED 

The longest sustained boner record is probably one of the most difficult 
almanac figures to determine. Because there are so many stories, so much 
competition, because so many men like to think that having an erection for 
five hours is a good thing, there are a number of conflicting pieces of 
evidence. 

For instance: one contestant reported having held an erection for more than 
two days. He claimed to have had several emissions during that time, and he 
states that: "I couldn't have done it without my wife. It would have been 
impossible to stay hard all that time if my little beauty Claire didn't 
help. You know what I mean? Just impossible?" 

Well, as part of the human interest angle on Sex Facts and Sex Figures, we 
talked to Claire and she told us that her husband is talking out of the top 
of his hat and that she's lucky if she sees one stiff-one a week on her 
hubby, let alone something like what he described. 

So, as you can see, we had some difficulties putting together a criteria for 
the longest sustained erection. 

Among the strange reports we had there were these: 

-An erection ten inches long which lasted for twenty-one hours because of 
manual stimulation by the man's girlfriend. The effort ended in emission on 
her palm. 

-An erection self-sustained for fourteen hours by a boy who refused to give 
his name but did mention that his lubricant for the effort was Krisco. (We 
have nick-named the boy, "The Krisco Kid". ) 

-An erection held stiff by two young girls on their mutual lover for over 
eighteen hours. "We figured," said one of the girls, "that it was the best 
way to punish him when we found out he was double-timing on us. He was sore 
for two weeks afterwards..." (Nice girls, eh?) 

-An erection maintained for nearly two days entirely by intercourse and 
rubbing against the woman's pussy. 

Unable to confirm all the reports into this category, our judges awarded no 
single prize for the longest sustained boner. However, for the sake of a 
name, the honorary winner of this year's Longest Erection Time-wise is Elton 
Mike who strummed himself stiff for three days straight before having it on 
with his girl friend, Susie: "It was the best I've ever had it," says Sue. 
"I don't know if it was me or him, but it was utterly terrific! I'm glad he 
did it!" 

Who needs prizes with talk like that? 

ERECTIONS-THE MOST INFREQUENT 

The man judged to least often get a stiff-one was Allan Garner, an older man 
living in Wyoming. He prefers that we not name the exact town for bringing 
some sort of shame on his folkspeople. 

Mr. Garner has the dubious distinction of having had only one erection in 
his entire life. It occurred on January 4, a day after his twenty-first 
birthday, lasted for about ten minutes, and ended with a brief three-spurt 
ejaculation. 

"I'll never forget that one time," said Mr. Garner. "It was like something 
I'd waited for all my life. I knew I had problems before then, so it was 
something I was really looking forward to. My doctor told me that sometimes 
a functional disorder like the one I got clears up and sometimes it doesn't. 
Well, you can imagine how good I felt when I got the first boner of my life. 
I thought for sure I was going to have no more trouble from then on, that 
girls would just jump on me and keep me happy and the other way around 
forever. Well, that was forty years ago, you know, and I've had some sex 
with women anyhow. They don't seem to mind a stiff finger instead of a stiff 
muscle. I do what I can. I'm still hoping though, that I'll get at least one 
more hard-on before I die." 

If he does get another erection before he dies, then Mr. Garner will be tied 
for the first place (last place?) in this category. For Leslie Cordoza, from 
New Mexico, claims to have had only two erections in all forty-nine years of 
his entire post-pubescent life. "I don't know why God cursed me this way," 
swears Mr. Cordoza, "but if I could get a boner when I wanted one, I'd give 
up everything else this life has given me money, house, good looks, charm, 
you name it: everything for a boner of my own!" 

The editors wish Mr. Cordoza, Mr. Garner, and anyone else who entered this 
particular tourney, all the luck in the world. 

THE MOST CONSISTENT ERECTION EVER 

There is only one contestant in this very, very unique category. Mr. Adolph 
Tender from Lansing, Michigan, makes this rather odd claim: 

"I get a boner every morning at eight-thirty sharp, ever since I turned 
fourteen or so, and another one at eight-thirty sharp at night. It's like 
clock-work. (This one doctor used to kid me and said it was like cock-work. 
Ha, ha.) Yes, though, it's true. Twelve hours apart, two erections, I don't 
know why." 

We contacted Mr. Tender when we heard of him and asked if there was some way 
in which we might confirm this strange tale. He said that we were more than 
welcome to sit with him during a twenty-four hour period, or longer if we so 
desired, to test the validity of his claims. We could, he said, watch what 
happened. 

Well, we hired a young woman reporter who felt no shame about such things 
and she went to Lansing and here's what she came back with: 

"We rented a room at the Lansing Hospital and Mr. Tender climbed into bed 
naked. He just laid there with no sheets and I set up a camera, of course, 
video, to get it all on tape. It was set to take one frame a minute for the 
entire twenty-four hour test period. Sure enough, just as Mr. Tender claims, 
he had an erection at eight-thirty and it lasted for a minute and twenty 
seconds (two frames of video film) and he had another one at eight thirty 
that night which went for well over three minutes (three frames). It was 
quite remarkable. He just laid there with his hands under his head, folded 
behind his back, and at just the times he said an erection sprung up in his 
crotch. He certainly deserves some sort of a reward in my book, that's for 
sure!" 

Mr. Tender claims that the two erections occur regardless of whatever other 
sexual activities he might perform in the course of the day. 

ERECTIONS-MOST NUMBER OF TIMES 

James Sydney Alber claims to have achieved eighteen separate orgasmic 
erections in a row. The first three took place in one hour and ten minutes. 
The next ten required forty minutes each. And the last five were separated 
by two hours each except for the final cuming. That particular emission 
occurred twenty-one hours after Alber began his abusive project. 

He used several sorts of stimulants to make this particular record. He 
orally consumed some sort of amphetamines, and he was given, i.v., before 
beginning, a full dose of vitamins. In that supercharged state of bodily 
preparedness, at the age of eighteen, James Alber set himself a world 
record. 

The feat took place in 1951, and there have been no challengers who came 
even close to this official mark. 

(Future contestants are warned about possible dangers and side-effects from 
too many erections on one sitting.) 

FETISH-LEAST EXOTIC 

We actually had a report from a woman in Maine that her favorite fetish 
required that her husband squeeze her ass at the same time as working his 
prick to and fro inside her vagina. It seemed to us that this least of all 
imaginative "fetishes" needed a special mention as "Least exotic". 

FETISH-MOST EXOTIC 

This is the real category for which we sought all sorts of information. 

The most exotic abnormal fixation came to our reporters in Southern France 
who discovered there a woman who could have an orgasm only if a man's toe 
was in her mouth. "If I can't suck a man's little toe, I can't cum. I've 
seen doctors about it, and they've all said the same thing: five to fifteen 
years on the couch and I might be normal again. So I figure it this way: I 
can screw and suck toes for five to fifteen years-so who needs to be normal, 
eh? I have terrific orgasms and I love watching men giggle when I suck off 
their feet. What more can a girl like me ask from life than a giggle and a 
toe or two, eh? I ask you, what more..." 

Honorable Mention in the Most Exotic Fetish category goes to Miss Sue Anne 
Rippley, believe it or not, who can cum by rubbing her own arm pits. She 
demonstrated this strangely erotic technique for one of our more mature 
reporters. "She uses two fingers in each pit," said the reporter, "and she 
cums in the usual place." 

INTERCOURSE-MOST NUMBER OF TIMES 

There is an old wife's tale that if a young woman marries and puts a bean in 
a bottle for every time she makes love with her husband during their first 
year together, and then begins removing a bean for every time she makes love 
to him from then on, that by the time she reaches the end of her marriage 
she will still have enough beans in that once empty bottle to make porridge. 

This particular category, number of times a couple makes love, involves two 
time periods, one for the most number of times a couple has intercourse in a 
single session, the other for the most number of times a couple has 
intercourse in a lifetime. 

Naturally, for the first section the contestants were predominantly young 
people in exceptionally good physical condition. Most of them played some 
sort of athletics and did considerable jogging. 

The winners of that first part of the category, most number of successfully 
consummated intercourses in a single period, were Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Lenzer 
from West Germany. They flew into Los Angeles to make sure that their record 
breaking event was going to be included in our book. They are, by far, the 
most competitive couple we'd ever seen. 

"I liked the idea," said Mrs. Lenzer, "because it gave me a chance to have 
some fun in a way I like having fun!" 

The Lenzers consummated their sexual intercourse no less than twelve times 
in only four hours. 

There were other entries, but no one with a better rate of performance. 

As for the lifetime record, Mr. and Mrs. Hank Kenston from Bamph, Alaska, 
took the trophy. "My wife and I," said Mr. Kenston, "have been screwing 
since the day we met. In fact, we rarely do anything else at all." There was 
no way of validating Mr. Kenston's claim, but from talking to him, he seemed 
an honest man with plenty of integrity. 

Mr. and Mrs. Kenston married when they were eighteen and they've had 
intercourse at least twice a day every day for forty years. 

Asked if he thought things might slow down some in the next ten or twenty 
years-Mr. Kenston is going on sixty-the Senior Cocksman said simply: "I sure 
do hope not! Me and Lisa have kind of got addicted to it, if you know what I 
mean." 

Yes, Mr. Kenston, I think we do know what you mean... 

INTERCOURSE-MOST FATAL 

This strange category of sexual events is really not a category at all. It's 
more like an historical anecdote that we thought you might find 
interesting... 

It seems that in 1854 a young black woman, still a slave in the deep south, 
seeking her freedom, proposed to her master, a plantation owner, that she be 
allowed all the privileges common to the white women of the same plantation. 

"You've got to be kidding," said Master Henry Smithson, the old white 
farmer. "Surely you know that for me to give you the same rights as the 
white women on my property would be tantamount to revolution. Have you been 
out in the sun too much, Lisa?" 

Young Lisa, as buxom a young black as could be, pretty even in her tattered 
clothes, suggested simply: "I don't want to do this for free, Master. I want 
to trade you something, to prove to you that I'm a capable woman. I wouldn't 
ask you for my freedom if I didn't think I deserved it." 

"Now just how are you going to do that?" asked the plantation owner, 
somewhat taken by the young woman's intensity. "Just because you say you're 
a deserving woman doesn't mean you are?" But already the plantation owner's 
eyes were drinking in the young black slave's supple flesh. He knew that he 
could have her if he wanted, but if she were to volunteer her body, to give 
herself on her own-that would be a really fine piece! 

"I know what you need," said the young black temptress, "and I'm willing to 
give it, Sir. Not just you raping me. I don't mean that kind of sex at all. 
What I mean is something for you, something to make you really happy." 

The young black woman made a daring approach. She came around behind the 
plantation owner's desk and let her long black fingers slide across his aged 
fat neck. She let her fingers roam the plantation owner's face and pressed 
her hand down under his shirt. "I mean something that you'll remember until 
the day you die, Master. That's the kind of sex I'm talking about." 

Well, the record is not totally clear as to how the event itself was 
arranged. But the facts stand that Miss Lisa Barnes and the plantation owner 
went upstairs to the master's bedroom, undressed and had intercourse for two 
days in a row. All the servants and all the white men and women who 
frequented Henry Smithson's plantation told various stories about the moans 
and groans they heard coming from that upstairs bedroom. 

But one thing that all the witnesses concur on is that when Lisa Barnes left 
that room, forty-eight hours later, she was a free woman, free like any 
white woman in that part of the South. 

And Master Henry Smithson? He died the next afternoon from physical 
exhaustion-fucked to death. 

INTERCOURSE-MOST UNIQUE 

Two circus acrobats, Maria and Larry Hallston, can consummate the act of 
love-making in the most unique fashion ever recorded. 

The couple trained as performers with the B and L Circus for more than ten 
years before first attempting their incredible feat. "We started," says 
Larry Hallston, a bronzed, muscular type, "with various lifts and moving 
pushups-you know, things you do in the air. It's not like we one day decided 
to fuck while on the wild bar. It's not like that at all." 

"No," says Maria, "not at all. It just kind of happened." The buxom 
performer reports in detail: "I was wearing a simple tights outfit and it 
came undone while we were in the air. My breast was kind of flopping around 
and going every which way. Well, Larry came swinging over on the trapeze 
with a big smile on his face and he kissed my tit in mid-air. It was such a 
turn on that I just had to challenge him to get the other one, and while I 
was swinging away from him I undid my other tit. So that was how we got 
started." 

"That's right," continues Larry with a smile on his face, "it was just a 
question of time after that until we would start trying to screw in midair. 
There were a lot of troubles working out the mechanics of it all, but 
eventually we got it down pretty good. Now we can feel each other up while 
we're on the high bar, masturbate in space, all sorts of things." 

"It's really kind of amusing," adds lovely Maria, "to watch Larry go 
swinging through space with a boner. I mean, the sight of that big thing of 
his flopping around wildly while he's holding onto the bar with his feet is 
just too much. When our timing is good, I can suck him off while we swing on 
parallel bars." 

All of this, Sex Facts Fans, is done at a height of forty feet or more with 
no net. So, it's hats off to the naked trapeze artists, Maria and Larry 
Hallston, acrobats extraordinaire! 

INTERCOURSE-THE LONGEST ORGASM 

Naturally, it's hard to find a real and valid record for something like 
this. But we've gone with the story reported to us by a fellow who used to 
be in burlesque. Charley Knocker tells about the time he saw a very strange 
act performed in Baltimore, Maryland.: 

"I used to do stage shows, the old days in vaudville. It was kind of a 
thing, you know, to get up on stage, do a few one liners, and then to be 
followed out by some girls who do strip acts. You know the scene. Really 
everyone there is just waiting for the one-liners to get done and the sex 
stuff to start. So that's how it was at the Lipton Showcase, too. 

"Well, one night I finish up my act and put on my top hat and start off 
stage, as usual, and the owner of the theater pulls me aside just as I'm 
about to go back to my dressing room. Believe me, when you've seen one 
striptease after another for six months you go back to your dressing room 
wondering what to do that night instead of thinking about the sex. 

"But on this night, like I said, the owner, Denny, pulls me aside and says, 
'Hey, Charley, get a load of this couple tonight. They do something 
special.' Well, he could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't buying, 
but then he says, 'I mean it, kid. Go out in front and have a seat and watch 
these two at work. They're something else.' So I went out in front and sat 
down to watch. 

"Well, the drummer gave them a pretty good roll, just to bring them out, 
and, wouldn't you know it, out from behind those old silky red drapes came 
one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen in my life. I mean this broad was 
really something special. She was built like a brick shithouse, and she 
moved like an angel. It was everything I could do to just keep sitting there 
and gawking instead of running up onto the stage and telling her that she 
didn't belong in the Lipton or in burlesque. 

"With her was this kind of tall, muscular type. They told me later that it 
was her husband but I don't believe it. I think he was really just some sort 
of a stud that she used in the act, if you know what I mean. I mean, the 
girl was something special, really, and it was her that made the act. 

"I know that might sound a little funny, but it was more her way of going 
about doing things. She pulled off her clothes so sensuously, and she moved, 
slithered really, up and down the stage showing off her perfect body. 

"What few people there were in the audience perked up. One fellow-you know 
how it is in burlesque shows: people sleep and wake up for the sleep again, 
and it's kind of an all day affair of some sort-well, anyhow, one fellow who 
must have been asleep so long that a crust had formed, sat up and just about 
climbed out of his seat when this voluptuous naked babe started talking and 
he saw her. It must have looked to him like an apparition of his dream girl 
had walked onto the stage. She was that pretty. 

"The guy up in the back of the theater went so far as to give her a 
baby-pink spotlight which meant that he had to change filters which meant if 
he was willing to go to all that trouble that this girl was really something 
for him, too. 

"Well, anyhow, she strutted up and down the stage telling these guys that 
what she was about to do with her stud partner was an amazing thing that 
they'd only have a chance to see once. 

"Naturally-you know what guys are like when they have had a few and they're 
waiting for the act to get on-a few of the guys started jeering and making 
cat calls, hooting and what-not, and this princess just leaned over, let her 
big soft tits hang down in that dusty spot light and she took one finger and 
slid it into her glowing wet snatch and pulled out some of the juice and 
spread it on her extended nipple. 'Now how's that grab you, boys?' she 
asked, making a soft little semi-circle on her titty. 'You like?' 

"Well, I don't have to tell you what a wail that little tit rub got. 
Everyone was awake. 

" 'What we're going to do for you,' said the fellow with her, 'is to perform 
the one and only act of love.' A young girl came from stage right pushing a 
bed on wheels. It was decorated with glitter on the sides. The fellow put 
his hand on it and brought it to stage center, smiled and thanked the stage 
hand, patted her on the buns and turned back to the audience. 'We're going 
to perform the one and only act of love for you until you all go home. We're 
going to fuck our brains out here in front of you for so long that you'll 
leave today and come back tomorrow and we'll still be doing it!' 

"Well, it was quite a brag. The girl came over and undressed him, unzipped 
his fly, you know, and pulled out his wiener, took off his shirt, and helped 
him with his pants the rest of the way. 

" 'He's right,' she said, fondling his joint until it was stiff. 'We're 
going to perform intercourse for five hours straight.' 

"Well, to make a very long story short, that's what they did. They climbed 
up on the glitter bed and she spread her legs and he mounted her. He moved 
slow for the first hour, and then, when she started to get turned on some, 
they changed positions. They did it upside down and right side up in front 
of us up on that bed on the stage. They kept doing it for what seemed like 
an eternity. No matter what the guys called out at them they just kept 
fucking. It was extraordinary. It was like they were a movie or something, 
those two sensuous bodies rolling and pumping and heaving and humping up on 
the glitter bed on that stage at the Lip-ton for as long as there were 
people in the audience. 

"I think they must have fucked like that for about seven hours. It was 
really amazing. Kind of like marathon dancing only screwing. I think it was 
the best I ever saw." 

We confirmed Charley Knocker's eyewitness account through a back issue of 
the Baltimore Press. Indeed, young Sylvia Fish and Ernie Brite performed 
intercourse in front of a live audience for seven hours and twenty-two 
minutes on August 7, 1951, in front of a live audience at the Lipton 
Showcase Theater. 

LESBIAN-OLDEST 

The infamous, London-born lesbian "bull dyke", Lady Corinne Totely, who died 
in the Greek Isles on September 2, 1970 at the age of sixty-two was known to 
have had more than ll,500 sexual experiences with women during her widely 
publicized lifetime. Lady Totely's collection of dildoes, which was 
bequeathed to the Stacey Street Museum, numbered 248 and is valued in excess 
of $55,000.00. Her tongue was reputed to have been nine inches long and 
according to her closest friends, Lady Totely thought nothing of using it on 
whim. According to friends, Lady Totely masturbated twice daily with the aid 
of her favorite dildo, a Siamese "decatus" which measured 19.6 inches in 
length and 4.5 inches in diameter. 

Lady Totely's particular fetish for masturbation reached incredible and 
unheard of intensity just before her death when she peeled off her clothes 
in the presence of five young homosexual women and ate each of the pretty 
hangers-on into orgasm twice in a row. 

Doctors believe that the record setting Lesbian died from chocking on a 
pubic hair lodged between her palate and vulva. 

LESBIAN-BIGGEST BREASTS 

Angelia Hays didn't really have the biggest breasts so much as the most 
unusual set. Unlike normal women, Ms. Hays had three gargantuan titties, the 
third placed where the normal cleavage would be, the other two spaced 
slightly further apart than usual on her chest. All told, the three tits 
weigh in at about nine pounds and measure off at fifty-four inches exactly. 

Friends and lovers of Ms. Hays claim that it was always a pleasure to bed 
down with this strangely endowed homosexual girl because she had so much to 
give. "I remember," says her infamous companion, Heddy Arnold, "the night I 
first sucked off that middle titty. It was like arriving in heaven. I kept 
counting, one-two-three! 

It was outrageous! Do you believe how hot I got? My pussy just leaked from 
looking at that incredible threesome, let alone from having it square 
between my lips for a sucking. Mmmmm, it makes my mouth water just to 
remember. It's kind of sad to think about though because I don't know 
another such woman in the world with breasts like that. It would be nice if 
I could meet someone else with that extra breast. Oh, goodness, I am 
rambling a bit ... " 

Needless to say, Ms. Hays impressed all of her young Lezzie lovers with her 
additional mammary flesh, and it was, we are told, her Ace in the Hole, as 
it were, for seducing border-line bi-sexuals. They all seemed to go with Ms. 
Hays because she had that little something extra! 

LESBIAN-MOST ATHLETIC 

This prize goes to two people, really. Twin homosexual girls Mary and 
Melinda, now twenty-eight years old, have won amateur prizes in no less than 
fifteen sports, all of them in competition, naturally, with other young 
women. Swimming, tennis, and golf are the sports the young twins began in, 
but they quickly progressed to private performances in which they applied 
their natural agility to acts of a sexual nature. They proved themselves 
capable of all sports of endurance when they were hired for a benefit ball 
in which they ate each other non-stop for fourteen hours. The scene was 
mounted on a merry-go-round apparatus which gave a full view of all aspects 
of this "tourney" to the mingling crowd of charity donors. The benefit was a 
fabulous suckcess, raising more than dollars for the needy. 

LESBIAN-MOST-LIKEABLE 

This is not a question of taste. Rather, there was only one contender and 
she won, as it were, hands down and tongue flapping. Her name is Sister 
Margret Louise, a former disciple of Christ's own church, and she lays claim 
to the most-likeable Lesbian category because more women have approached her 
for sex than any other Lesbian now living. 

"I don't know what my special appeal is," said the six-six Lezzie as she 
spoke with our interviewer in her apartment in Malibu. "Sometimes I think 
it's my beach house and that people just want to use me." 

She undressed for us later, though, and revealed that she has not one cunt, 
but two. "You see," she noted, pointing out her strangely endowed crotch, 
"ever since I was a little girl people have been fingering my two slits and 
telling me that I have something special. My mother was the first. She told 
me when I was eight that unlike other girls I had something unique that 
other girls might envy or like me for. She spread my legs out and peeled 
back the labia on my two holes and showed me that I had two of what she had 
only one. I asked her if it was really so abnormal and she just smiled and 
said, 'Darling, don't you worry about a thing. I think you're going to have 
twice as much fun as all the other girls, that's all. Just don't you worry 
about a thing.' You know what? My mom was right. I've had the time of my 
life fucking with these two holes. I started with men and I found out that 
they were so taken with the two beaver pies that it was distracting. I went 
to girls and women from then on, and it's been nonstop. I had to break two 
appointments just to be with you here today. You know how it it. Some of 
these girls come together. They figure, Oh, two holes? Two girls. It's not 
really like that. I mean, I don't think that just because I have two vaginas 
that I should have two lovers simultaneously, but who am I to say. They pay, 
you know, and that's something. Look around you here and you'll see that I'm 
able to afford some of the nicer things in life just because of these two 
little holes. Really, it's because of that one extra one. Would you like a 
closer look?" 

Naturally, our reporter, in the interest of accurate journalism, accented 
when given this rare opportunity to inspect one of nature's strangest little 
craters. He reports below: 

"It's a concave aperture located just below the usual one vagina. Only that 
usual gash is slightly higher in the crotch, a bit up on the mound, but not 
so high that it would be confused with Sister Margret's navel. Both holes 
are covered with a tightly-knit patch of pubic hair. At first sight one only 
sees the single beaver pelt, not the two sets of lips. But something beckons 
to the viewer, asks you to look twice, as it were, and sure enough, there is 
good reason. The second set of lips, a ruby color and rich with juice, 
appears somewhat diminutive on first inspection, but a still closer look 
reveals that the dual vagina is perfectly formed, smooth and slippery. I was 
allowed, in the interests of this report, to finger the flesh notch, and 
believe-me, with my eyes closed I couldn't tell the difference. Just for the 
sake of experimentation I asked Sister Margret if I couldn't put a finger in 
each hole at the same time and she agreed. (For a confirmed Lesbian, you 
know, this is quite a trusting attitude.) I found the sensation of having 
fingers from the same hand buried in two soft bodily entrances at the same 
time rather appealing, and I can only imagine that this is part of this 
wonderful woman's great charm." 

Later in the interview, our reported asked: "What prompted you, Sister 
Margret, to join the nunnery, if you don't mind my asking?" 

"Well, you know, having two vaginas isn't easy on a girl. I lost my 
confidence for a time and thought that the service of God was a good way to 
get it back. Little did I know. When I was caught by a Priest masturbating 
both holes at once one night, he insisted that I resign from the cloth. By 
then, of course, having had it on with a good many of the nuns and all, I 
didn't mind so much. Nowadays, in case your readers are interested, I have a 
class I teach in sexual acceptance. It's called, 'If I can make, so can 
two!' Kind of cute, eh?" 

We have to agree. Sometimes, it seems, two holes are better than one! 

LESBIAN-MOST MASCULINE 

There was a woman born in the South of France-her case is recorded in most 
medical journals of the period-in 1892 with a fully developed penis just 
above her pussy. She chose, it turns out, to use her dual organs in 
satisfying young girls of peculiar sexual bent. 

Miss Josephine Rooter was regularly employed as a dock worker when she moved 
from France to San Francisco, and there, for fifteen years, she led a double 
life in character as well as in body. She worked among the men of the docks 
as one of them, swearing, lifting, eating and drinking as they did. None of 
the workers knew that at night, when she returned home to her wharf-side 
apartment, Miss Josephine was the hostess for some of the wildest Lezzie 
orgies ever to have brightened San Francisco's social calendar. 

When the dock workers did find out that their supposed "buddy" was a 
transvestite, they attacked her, defiled her body with several "rear 
assaults" and, finally, in one of the most vicious acts ever incurred by a 
Lesbian, castrated the male organ. 

Josephine came out of hiding a year later and continued, albeit 
heart-broken, as an ordinary Lesbian until her death in 1941. 

LESBIAN-MOST PERVERSE 

It's not entirely fair to say that Carmela Sweet was the "most perverse" 
Lesbian whoever lived. But the fact of her strange anatomy inspired in 
others such strange sexual behavior that Carmela herself seemed doomed to 
take on the foul reputation which follows her to this day. 

Born in a small Kansas town to struggling farmer parents, Carmela quickly 
learned, even as a child, that something was not quite right with her 
physiognomy. At first her parents kept their concern and their only natural 
fears from Carmela, but soon enough she learned that she was not in every 
way "all there". And she discovered once and for all, when she witnessed 
accidentally her parents at play one night, that she herself was not 
ordinary. She realized, on seeing the method in which her father had 
intercourse with her mother-entering a hole in the front of Mrs. Sweet's 
body, that a woman's vagina-that she herself had no such hole. Yes, strange 
as it seems, Carmela Sweet was born with no vagina at all. She had only an 
ass-hole. 

After the doctor's visits and the sorrowful looks of various specialists, 
Carmela gave up all hope of ever being normal and with the onset of puberty 
began her strangely lecherous career with the perverse. While other high 
school girls were out parking at drive-in movies and trying to keep their 
hymens in tack, Carmela was doing everything she could just to keep the 
single dark secret that she had no vagina let alone a ribbon of honor. When 
she went out with a boy she had good reason to let him go only so far-with 
her breasts and kissing-for what if, reasoned the terrified adolescent, this 
or that boy should discover that between her legs there was pubic hair but 
only pubic hair-no slippery little hole, just the bush. 

As time went on poor Carmela realized that the source of her own 
satisfaction sexually would have to come through her mouth, and, finally, 
her anus. Her first dates left her horny and frustrated until she discovered 
that, by going home and fingering her ass-hole and sucking her thumb, she 
could achieve something akin to orgasm. Of course, she had no way of knowing 
if the anal contractions in her back door were anything like the real McCoy, 
but she soon learned that comparing her thrill with some other woman's 
vaginal delight was a useless, pessimistic exercise in self-abuse. Real joy, 
for Carmela Sweet, would have to come from the only place possible. 

She went through a period of acceptance and denial aggravated by extremes of 
sexual activity. She would demand-this was after graduation from high 
school-that her date for the night allow her to suck him off, to play with 
his balls, to feel him up, but she would not allow that man to have anything 
to do with her own body. 

Then she went to the other side of the spectrum, and it was then that her 
career as the perverse woman began. She demanded that her male and female 
friends alike pay special attention to her anus. It was, after all, 
everything for her. She would have her men, somewhat taken by the lack of 
her normal organ, finger her anus, play with it until she had what looked 
like a climax. She would insist that they butt fuck her and penetrate deep 
into her backside. After all, what other pleasure did the poor girl have in 
life. 

Soon enough the word spread through that small Kansas town that young 
Carmela Sweet was an anal nymphomaniac. Only the townspeople, somewhat 
provincial in their thinking, were not so nice about the words they used to 
slander and abuse young Carmela. They called her "a cheap whore" and "a no 
good slut". They said she "slept around" and that she "abuses herself". 
Finally, as reported in the Kansas News, "Miss Carmela Sweet, aged 
twenty-one, was asked by the townspeople of Norfolk to take up residence 
outside of the county line. No reasons were cited for the somewhat unusual 
request presented by that city's Mayor." 

And so it was that Carmela Sweet was forced to give way to public opinion. 
She left Kansas and took up residence, more or less by chance, in New York 
City. Seeking anonymity, hopeful that she might find acceptance without 
abuse, the young, strangely deformed woman, began a new life in the "big 
city". 

But there, too, the only use people had for the girl was her unique ability 
to have intercourse in her ass-hole. Even though it was not her choice to 
live and love in that manner, she made the best of it, despite the opinions 
of her often cruel friends who chose to use the young woman. 

Finally, in a fit of anger and rage and tired and frustrated with all of the 
problems she was having in finding love in a conformist world, Miss Sweet 
decided to make a living using her one defect and her one, no pun intended, 
asset. She hired herself out for pornographic movies and stills and began 
displaying her hairy hole-less crotch. 

At first she received a comparative pittance for such exhibitionistic acts, 
but then, when an enterprising movie producer realized what a gold mine lay 
between those barren thighs, he gave Carmela Sweet a contract for all the 
performances she'd care to do in front of a thirty-five millimeter camera. 
She was allowed, finally, to name her own terms. 

It was in this manner that Carmela Sweet became famous as The Most Perverse 
Lesbian of All Time. She made love in front of the camera to women with 
strap-on dildoes, to men with hard-ons the size of two by fours, and always 
in her ass-hole. She did it with dogs and with young boys and with just 
about any sort of tool ever invented for the fun of sex-always with her 
baren crotch, that smooth space where there should have been a hole, in the 
foreground. 

She made a small fortune using this deformity of the flesh, and it is a 
tribute to her strength as a human being that she managed to survive the 
abuse hurled at her for possessing one of the ordinary two pelvic orifices. 

Miss Sweet retired from show business about two years ago and prefers that 
we not say exactly where she's currently living. In the hopes that she finds 
our use of her strange life story a small recompense for the pains she 
suffered, we honor Carmela Sweet as The Most Perverse Lesbian and The Most 
Interesting. 

LESBIAN-LONGEST TONGUE 

This category deserves some careful consideration and a bit of explanation. 

For homosexual women, the size and shape of the partner's oral appendage can 
be of particular importance. A short, squat tongue shape, for instance, 
might well be of use to the woman who enjoys clitoral excitement above all 
others. That same small mouth organ might be useful, too, for reaming and 
slopping. 

Contrariwise, however, a longer, fatter tongue is probably the most 
preferred shape for the homosexual woman in search of deep vaginal 
stimulation. With this latter sort of muscle, the woman under attack is 
more-likely to enjoy the obvious sensual thrill of constant thrusting 
excitement induced in the oral manner. 

So it is that we feel it's necessary to single out at least one woman with a 
rather especially well-endowed mouth. 

Susan Ranger, born in New York City and since settled in Los Angeles, boasts 
a mouth muscle eight inches long, "and even longer when I'm excited." 
Doctors tested Miss Ranger's mouth for this final claim and found, indeed, 
that when she becomes aroused her tongue fattens and lengthens, not unlike 
the manner in which a man's penis extends in the erect state for performing 
the act of intercourse. 

Our reporters took special interest in Miss Ranger's tongue and paid her a 
visit in her Hollywood Hotel. There in the privacy of her penthouse suite, 
Miss Ranger talked a mile a minute about what it's like to be the owner of 
the longest, most satisfying tongue in the world: 

"Well, you know, I myself don't regard this natural asset as any particular 
great achievement. Sherry, here-come over, darling, and say hello to this 
nice man, he's going to put us in his book about sex facts and sex figures 
and all, so say hello-" 

Miss Ranger's roommate, and we assumed correctly, it turned out, her lover, 
joined the romantic Lesbian on her bed. 

"-sit down, Sherry. I was just telling this gentleman about how I personally 
don't think it's such a bit thing to have a large tongue but how you find it 
rather enticing." 

At this point Miss Ranger's voluptuous friend spoke up for herself: 

"Yes, it's a fact, Miss Ranger's tongue does things for me that nothing else 
in this world can. If you don't mind my saying this, it's something that 
can't be beat. I know you men think that having a big penis is all 
important, but to a young Lesbian like myself, Susan's tongue is everything. 
It's long and wet and soft and when she gets me aroused with it, I swear to 
you, it gets harder and it makes me cum so fast that I can't believe it." 

"Now, now," interrupted the woman with the longest Lezzie tongue in the 
world, "Let's not exaggerate." She polished her nails off on the lapel of 
her silk housecoat, a frilly little thing revealing her splendid thighs and 
the tops of her smooth breasts. "It's not something that deserves so much 
attention." 

At this point our reporter asked if he couldn't just have a little look-see 
at the tongue itself. Miss Ranger, rather open about such things, stuck out 
her tongue, slowly, until it reached full-length. "There it is," she 
gurgled, "all eight inches of it-and then some." 

"Here," said Sherry, reaching over between the older woman's thighs, "show 
him how it gets stiff." She spread Miss Ranger's legs and fiddled some with 
that woman's mound. A moment later, strange as it may seem, Miss Susan 
Ranger's tongue stiffened like an erect tongue. 

"So you see," the Lesbian said a little later, "it's not so unusual now, is 
it?" 

LESBIAN-SMALLEST 

It's only fitting that we mention the name of Miss Alexandra George, or 
Alex, as she prefers to be called. 

Alex is a midget woman who stands two-feet two-inches high and refuses to 
have sex with anyone who is not herself female. That is to say, Miss George 
will have intercourse with tall women, fat women, and short women, but she 
will not, even if a midget male approaches her, consider sex with a man. 

Miss George reached her full height at the age of nine. She's now 
thirty-five and she claims to have climbed between the legs of some of the 
biggest female movie stars you've ever heard of. "I don't call myself a 
groupie," says the little woman, "but I do like those ladies who have gone 
someplace in this world, who have left a mark. And I think they like me for 
the same reason. I'm not saying that I'm as important to the culture as a 
B--L----or a J--D-----, but I do mean to say that to those two women, I'm 
just about the most important person they ever met. Let's face it, at my 
height I can get around pretty quick in those small places and I'm willing 
to do that, too. I like licking and sucking the best with my girls, and my 
size is the thing that makes it possible for me to be good. Luckily, I have 
a normal sized tongue. I can crawl around between their legs and get right 
up into the mound and give them the satisfaction they really crave. You know 
what I mean? It's fabulous for me to be such a giver, eh? Last week I was in 
a hotel with a woman who's name I can't mention because she's just starting 
her career-those other older Lezzies are already on the top of the heap and 
nothing can hurt them-and she was-utterly nervous and confused until I 
climbed up on her chest-I only weigh fourteen pounds-and did a little 
toe-dance on her nipples. Now I ask you: could anyone but a midget Lezzie do 
that for a woman?" 

No. Emphatically no! Congratulations, Alex George: you are The Smallest 
Lesbian in the history of the world! 

LESBIAN-OLDEST LIVING 

Syd Karen Rutger turned ninety-nine just as this book went into print. Four 
months before, at Ms. Rutger's Long Island estate in New York, our reporter 
interviewed the oldest living Lesbian and recorded this report: 

"I'm so glad you were able to come today," said Ms. Rutger. "It's not often 
I get visitors anymore, except of course for some of my old lovers. And 
there aren't many of them left kicking and kissing, you know. I think I'm 
still the most active. Of course, I always was the one with a quick tongue 
and the hottest lips. Not that that's necessarily the only criteria for 
being a good lover. Why, even in my day they were starting in with the tools 
and what not. You know how everything had to be modern and all, well, I 
should say that didn't dent my style. Real women-you know what I mean by 
real women, don't you? I mean the sort of a gal who can take a dildo up her 
butt and make a cum in a jiffy-well, such like that are always going to be 
hard to find. No artificial anything can replace that in a woman, as you 
must know from your own hetero experience. But where was I?" 

(Because of her age, the elderly Lesbian has a tendency to wander somewhat. 
We've edited down some of what follows so that her points are a little more 
obvious.) 

" ... so that it seemed to me that a woman's age wouldn't matter all that 
much. So I invited her back to the house, last week. And wouldn't you know 
it, we got it on in a jiffy, just like the old days? Imagine me and an 
eighty-year old woman rubbing our dry old cunts together. Isn't that the 
kind of thing people call romantic still? We must have gone through a ton of 
juices, but believe you me, it's that more than anything that can keep a 
woman going into her nineties. Believe you me, sonny, if you fuck enough, 
you can live forever." 

So says the oldest bull dyke known to man. 

LUBRICANTS-ANAL 

We were hard put to come up with the best possible anal lubricant. A great 
many salves and greases have been used throughout time for the purpose of 
rear-entry sex, both in heterosexual and in homosexual contact. 

Whatever sex preference, it seems that the most used lubricant for the 
occasional anal penetration is ordinary table butter or margarine. It's not 
so much the greasy quality of the item, according to our research, but its 
availability. It seems that most people who try the anal approach once in a 
while do it in a relatively unprepared and spontaneous manner and butter is 
"what happens to be around". 

For planners, however, there is the traditional jar of vaseline which comes 
in handy. Sometimes a mixture is used, vaseline and something to give it a 
better, more slippery feel, more oily. 

But the all time sex lubricant for specifically anal sex, as any experienced 
housewife will tell you, is polyunsaturated corn oil. 

LUBRICANTS-VAGINAL 

In this category it would be foolish indeed for us to say that there is one 
particular grease used all the world round for all time. Rather, from era to 
era, from century to century, the search for a perfect vaginal lubricant has 
turned up something different and appropriate to every age. 

In Ancient Greece, for instance, where the olive was the symbol intelligence 
and artful passion, olive oil, naturally, was the preferred cunt goo. Spread 
between the lips of a ripe young Greek girl, such a salve was both 
functional and edible, if necessary. 

In France, during the middle ages, the scent of berries freshly picked was 
added to a fractionated oil called "dry-salve". The berries activated the 
key ingredient, an aphrodisiac which brought the male's ardour to a feverish 
pitch, and so the mixture served the double purpose of raising the passions 
and greasing the path simultaneously. 

In modern times, in Sweden, for instance, Stay Lube is the most purchased 
vaginal juice on the market. The promoters claim that Stay Lube allows a 
slippery entry three times in a row-that's three orgasms, not three 
thrusts-and that it has a drying power which makes a cunt stay juicy wet but 
not sloppy. An interesting chemical invention! 

Glo-Lube, manufactured in Spain, is for bashful lovers who work only in the 
dark. It "marks the place" as it were and gives those brave enough to open 
their eyes an iridescent target while also lubricating the point of entry. 

Of course, it's probably needless to say but we'll add it anyhow, vaginal 
juices collected from slightly pubescent virgins has the all-around perfect 
consistency which all other "manufacturers" are constantly attempting to 
imitate. Bottled and corked tightly, this particular juice has a shelf-life 
of just over eight years which is coincidentally just about the same time 
that the donor would turn twenty-one. 

MASTURBATION-FEMALE: MOST UNUSUAL 

This is perhaps the broadest category of Sex Facts And Sex Figures. There 
are so many ways that women masturbate, and so many books out on the right 
technique and the right tool, that it's practically impossible to actually 
come up with the most unusual method of female self-stimulation. 

That's not to say that our editors haven't given the subject careful 
consideration, however. 

First, let's list some of the mildly strange forms of masturbation which we 
discovered in our research in this area. 

There is the case of a woman in her early twenties who used an industrial 
light bulb of three-hundred watts to fill her sumptuous cunt and achieved 
such an incredible orgasm that she wrote the company who makes the bulbs and 
requested a plastic mold of the thing. She was afraid that the next time she 
used it there might be some risk of the thing hurting her. The company 
happily sent her a large plastic bulb identical to the one she'd used. That 
is one of the less ordinary dildoes ever used for self-consummating. 

Among the more prosaic forms of self-help, there are the frozen banana, the 
hot dog, and, of course, the old fashioned door-knob. More inventive women 
have come up with sculpted fingers and hand-crafted cocks to fit their own 
shapes and needs. 

But by far the most unusual form of masturbation that we've heard tell of 
was that used regularly for a period of two years by an underwater 
enthusiast named Jenny Parks. Miss Parks describes what was for a while her 
only source of sexual satisfaction in her own words: 

"I guess I was a rather unusual teenager back then. I was interested in boys 
but deathly scared of them. I had a good body. You know, good breasts, firm 
thighs, and a nice smooth belly. I'm not bashful to say things about myself 
anymore, but back then it was everything I could do even to think about 
myself as a sensuous woman. 

"Well, all of that self-consciousness drove me literally underground. But I 
mean, of course, underwater. I started taking scuba diving lessons. Now you 
might think this is a long way around to get to my particular form of 
self-satisfaction, but like I said, I was very shy then and that's why all 
the contortions in this regard. You see, I started taking the scuba diving 
lessons so that someday I could go out on my own, in my own little undersea 
world and experiment with my body. I know how silly it sounds now but it's 
true. 

"Well, I learned quickly and pretty soon I was a qualified teenager diver. I 
made my first trip underwater alone with enough oxygen to last for a 
half-hour. 

"I hit the ocean floor and pulled open the crotch of my wet suit. The feel 
of the salty ocean water running into my cunt was like a rush of chills, 
like something thrilling and perfect and juicy. It was what I needed. I sat 
there on the sandy bottom of the sea with my legs spread and my fingers 
working on my hot little clit and I masturbated myself in the privacy of the 
ocean. When I came, finally, that first time, my mask slipped off and I was 
swallowing water. Naturally, I went up and made proper adjustments. I was 
relieved to know that I could actually accomplish underwater what I couldn't 
dare to think of in the 'real' world. 

"Well, the next time down it was just as good. I didn't leave go of my mask 
though, and I was able to have a multiple thrill. 

"But after a few more diving sessions, I got bored. Well, one afternoon a 
non-stinging eel came by. Don't ask me how I did it, but I netted that 
creature and worked him up between my legs. In his frantic efforts to get 
away, that rubbery tail of his lashed in my cunt, between my lips, against 
my clit, and gave me the joy and the excitement my suppressed body craved. I 
let him go when I climaxed and prayed that he'd be there when I next needed 
him. 

"Sure enough, the very next afternoon, swimming those same waters, I found 
my friendly eel-tool. 

"And that's how it was for me for two years. I don't know why that eel kept 
coming back to let me use his flagellating tail, and I don't know why he 
disappeared when he did. 

"But that's the true story-honest to God-about how I got through a very 
difficult adolescence." 

OLDEST FEMALE MASTURBATOR 

Glenda Rose, an octogenarian from St. Thomas Island, was evicted from her 
apartment on April 4, 1976, when she woke up, for the fifth consecutive 
night, every tenant in her fourteen unit apartment building, with loud 
wailing and passionate sobbing. 

The landlord, forced to comply with the requests of the disturbed renters, 
was surprised to find that Mrs. Rose, a widower of some twenty years, was 
entirely alone in her dwelling. She refused to explain in any way the reason 
behind her midnight wails. 

When history repeated itself about a month later, in her next home, Mrs. 
Rose's new neighbor's were in no way polite about their breaking and 
entering to find out what was going on. 

They discovered the old woman sitting propped up against the back of her bed 
with her bony thighs spread wide and her fingers pumping madly at her 
moistly warm pussy. The neighbors backed out of the apartment in awe-for 
some of them it was uplifting to know that old age held some surprises-and 
one of the witnesses reported the event. 

A month later Mrs. Rose checked in with her physician who insisted that 
Glenda perform the said acts in his presence so that he could record for all 
of medical science Mrs. Rose's long lived sex-drives. His brief description 
follows: 

"I wasn't sure that I should ask the patient to actually demonstrate the act 
itself, but as a test against her senility-I was betting that she told the 
truth-I persisted until she agreed. She asked me where I would like her to 
masturbate and I took her into the back examining room. She sat on the edge 
of the examining table and spread her legs. Her face filled with color, a 
sign for me that her heart was in good shape. Before beginning she warned me 
about the cries she tended to make in her aroused state, and she suggested 
that if she became too carried away that I interrupt her and have her cease 
the activity. Then she laid down and in a very sensuous way proceeded to 
tantalize her wetting lips. A moment later she began heaving her aged 
pelvis, rubbing her fingers hard on her vulva and, fearing that she might 
hurt herself, I attempted to stop her from pursuing orgasm. She pushed me 
away, and I realized that she was approaching that same crazed state about 
which her neighbors had complained and she had warned me. No amount of 
talking would bring the old woman down. Soon I realized that there was no 
sense in stopping her. (Why deny an old woman what pleasure she has left to 
her?) She proceeded to finger her cunt into a lather of plentiful clitoral 
juices, as much as one would find in a woman thirty years Mrs. Rose's 
junior, and she quickly approached climax. It was then that she began making 
her fierce wails in the loudest possible way. I was fearful that my other 
patients in the waiting room would become agitated so I quickly informed a 
nurse to shut all the doors between that examining room and the outer 
quarters. When I next looked back at Mrs. Rose she had one hand under her 
buttocks and was fingering her anus while the other continued to work at her 
vagina. Clearly, she was in the throes of an all-consuming orgasm. Not 
knowing for sure how much she could take, I risked offending her by putting 
my stethoscope to her chest and listened carefully. Everything was in order, 
more so than one would have expected from a woman her age. A few moments 
later the orgasm ended and as if coming from another land, out of a trance 
and back to reality, the old woman sat up and asked me where she was. A few 
moments after that she'd collected her thoughts, thanked me for reassuring 
her that there was nothing the matter with a woman her age having sex, and 
left my office in good spirits." 

YOUNGEST FEMALE MASTURBATOR 

Infantile masturbators are, though not common, a matter of observed fact. As 
to the nature of the orgasm, the feelings the child has, no one knows for 
sure if these things compare to the same adult experience. But many a 
bemused mother has had the somewhat uneasy feeling on discovering her 
four-year-old daughter fingering herself with a look of innocent lechery 
pursed in the lips. 

From the age of five and older, masturbation becomes somewhat more common, 
especially among young girls allowed to experience their bodies in the free 
and easy manner to which island peoples are accustomed. When the drive is 
not inhibited, and when the child is not yet ready for mature sex, it seems 
only natural. 

Pubescent girls, of course, find masturbation to be the perfect preparation 
for sex itself. Here the youngest known case is of an eight year old girl 
who had fully developed sexual organs and plenty of pubic hair before her 
parents even knew what was happening. Shocked by the sudden development of 
total physical maturity in their child, Mr. and Mrs. Gards took their 
womanly eight year old daughter to a physician who suggested after examining 
the ripe girl that she be encouraged to consummate sex by using her fingers 
in the hope that such activity would forestall the obvious and inevitable 
course of events-that the child, at the age of eight, was ready for sex with 
mature adults. He hoped that if the child masturbated her womanly vagina, 
that then she would avoid the social problems for which she was not mentally 
prepared. The plan worked and the Gard's daughter, it is reported, delayed 
having normal intercourse until she turned ten. 

MALE MASTURBATION-COMPETITIVE 

The fastest ejaculation ever reported was had by one Kenneth Draw who went 
from a semi-soft state of arousal to total erection and complete emission in 
just under six seconds. Of the eighteen participants in the contest Draw was 
the youngest, eighteen. The last place contestant, Sydney Court, thirty-two, 
consummated his arousal after seventy-five minutes of steady pumping. When 
asked later why it took him so long and how he thought he'd had a chance in 
the contest, Mr. Court said simply: "I don't know. When I practiced just 
before the contest began I came off in about eight seconds." 

YOUNGEST MALE MASTURBATOR 

Mrs. Claire Raleigh of Selma, North Dakota, reported to her family physician 
that her baby boy, aged ten months, had taken to systematically rubbing his 
genitals every afternoon. The physician told Mrs. Raleigh to keep careful 
track of the boy's premature sex activity. She reported back a few weeks 
later that the baby was then going to great lengths to peel down his diapers 
and develop an erection. Before the boy turned a year old he'd had his first 
ejaculation. The activity persisted for about six months and ended, 
coincidentally, perhaps, with the boy's first spoken word: "Ma'am-ma . 

OLDEST MALE MASTURBATOR 

When Leonard Whigs made his phallic brag to the younger company around him, 
that he "could still get it on" despite his hundred and two years, the male 
members of the gathering at Whigs' house scoffed a bit and hooted at the 
centurion. 

But Betty Lance, who's name has been changed here per her request for 
anonymity, stayed behind at Mr. Whigs' house and asked him if he really 
meant what he said about still being able to have sex. 

"With a little help," said the old man, "I can do just about anything." 

"Well," says Betty in her report to our editors, "I was willing to give that 
old man all the help he wanted. He had such a nice twinkle in his eye, and 
such rosy cheeks for his complexion that I just couldn't resist. I offered 
to do anything at all for him that he might want. 

"Well, wouldn't you know it? He already had something in mind. 

"He had me pull the living room blinds and lock the front door and help him 
with his pants. Then he sat down in his rocker with his hand around his 
thing and started tugging. 'You, little girl, you undress and that's all the 
help I need. That'll show those whipper-snappers.' I asked him if that was 
all he wanted from me, if he wouldn't prefer that I suck him or something, 
and he said that I should listen to my elders, that it was a question of 
honor, and that he could damn well do it himself. So I stripped and did what 
he asked me to do, to spread my legs and show him my cunny and to bend over 
and let him peek in my ass-hole, and to stand up right close to him while he 
was jerking on his meat, and I did all of that, and wouldn't you know it? He 
came right off, spurting out those cum wads on my belly as thick and warm as 
if he were fifteen or something. I didn't believe my eyes. 

"After that we did some real sex, too, but he didn't cum a second time. You 
can't expect everything from a man a hundred-two, you know, but it's still 
some sort of a record, I think. I heard about you folks putting together all 
this information on sex and all, and wanted to make sure that you included 
Mr. Whigs. He's some old fellow, the younger guys could take a lesson from 
him!" 

NECROPHILIA 

Morticians, a strange breed of scientist in the first place, are often 
suspected of some very odd kinds of behavior. like the doctor who has access 
to narcotics and becomes an addict, so it is from time to time, with the man 
who last views the dead before burial. Alone in his laboratory with a 
tragically dead accident victim-a young woman who's flesh is still warm, who 
offers no resistance whatsoever, who in every way but one is 
perfect-temptation might get the best of the mortician's professional 
scruples. 

In the case of Mr. Craig Bordia (1893-1961), an English morgue's man who 
worked in the London Crematorium, it seems that the spector of death and the 
late hours and his life as a bachelor all conspired to make him give way to 
such temptation as described above no less than sixty-seven times. 

Confessional papers-the guilty scribblings of a man crazed with lust and 
loneliness-were found among Bordia's personal belongings subsequent to his 
stroke-caused death. The entry which follows, duplicated here by permission 
of Mr. Bordia's colleague, controller of the mortician's estate, was one of 
the last. It was dated January 2, 1960: 

"I wonder if I dare to confess to anyone the nature of my activities in the 
laboratory. How long will it be before I am freed of the onus of my deeds 
which only I, and I alone, have knowledge of? Must I forever hold this 
secret as some dark truth about my inner self? Why do I continue to lust for 
the dead when I could have any woman alive? Why do I persist in defiling the 
innocent flesh of the young and unlucky when I could, with just a little 
effort, make my way among the living? 

"But why ask such foolish questions? Isn't the true nature of my involvement 
with the corpses enough said? Isn't it blatantly obvious that sex after 
death is possible, if only for people like myself? Oh, God, the shame! Is 
there no end to it. . . 

"Last night's debauchery will live on forever. She was a young pretty girl 
and so fine with her pretty little nipples stuck out stiff as though aroused 
and waiting for my touch, for my tongue. Just the sight of her little mound 
gave me chills. 

I could hardly wait for Eunice to finish sweeping and leave me alone. I half 
herded her out the door without so much as the courtesy of a goodbye. I 
think, sometimes, that she knows my ways. 

"But once she was gone I had the dead child to myself. I say child but 
perhaps that little red-haired wonder was eighteen or nineteen. The 
unidentified always stimulate me so much more. 

"I spread her cold legs and rubbed the thighs to a gentle heat. Of course, I 
had to use some lubricant to make the girl ready, but that was well worth 
the effort. It was a fine thing indeed, something that happens only once in 
a lifetime. I even considered, afterwards, not sending her into the kiln. 
She'd have been useful and 'healthy' for another two days at least! I could 
have presented the nearest kin with any ashes-they'd have never known. But 
the professional in me refused this last morbid temptation, and I did the 
body in as it was my job to do so. I have saved a bit of the ash-they'll 
never know-and have put it with the others. My only regret is that I didn't 
know her when she was living. 

"Yesterday morning I saw a woman who I someday hope to meet, one way or 
another... 

The mortician's papers continue in this vein, describing various sexual acts 
he performed on the dead. Our editors believe that this is the only known 
case of such prolific necrophilia, but that is not to say that the practice 
is necessarily one of ages gone by. Two years ago, for instance, the body of 
a well-known starlet disappeared mysteriously from a morgue in Hollywood for 
three days. It was found-claimed to have been "misplaced"-by the mortician 
himself. 

NIPPLES-LARGEST 

Unconfirmed reports from grape-vine sources in Kansas might make the current 
record holder's claim to fame obsolete. We hear tell of a forty-two year old 
topless go-go girl in that Mid-Western city who can actually arouse her own 
breasts to such an extent that the nipples of her titties become edible. 
That is to say, this bar girl can elongate her tips in such a fashion as 
makes them accessible to her mouth. 

Until we actually interview this woman, however, we'll have to go with the 
accepted largest nipple record, that belonging to Mrs. Louise Boyle whose 
tips have been measured as having a radius of four inches-that's eight 
across-and a depth, from breast to the end of the nipple, of two inches 
unaroused and two and one-half inches excited. 

Mrs. Boyle is the wife of a plastic surgeon, and though she claims that no 
cosmetic surgery of any sort was ever performed on her breasts or on any 
other part of her body, many a jealous woman has contested this singularly 
large set of measurements. 

Miss Lilly Bosworth, a self-proclaimed beachcomber from the San Diego area, 
draws a close second in this contest. Miss Bosworth's tanned bosom ("I never 
wear anything on my breasts at the beach," she says.) boasts two healthy 
nipples which have the same radius as that reported for first-place Mrs. 
Boyle, and she has identical measurements for nipple depth in the unaroused 
state. But when excited, Miss Bosworth's tips reach out for only two inches 
and one-quarter, and, in this particular contest, that extra quarter inch of 
excited nipple makes all the difference in the world. 

(For next year's contest, however, Miss Bosworth claims that she'll be able 
to easily beat out Mrs. Boyle's quarter inch lead. We're all looking forward 
to the competition!) 

NUDE CONTESTS 

Here is one of the more revealing categories of sex competition. Nothing can 
be hidden from the keen eyes of the judges. Contestants-it is a law-are 
allowed to wear only rings, bracelets and ear-rings, and only the simplest 
necklaces. Prizes are given to the couple who look most like they belong 
naked and unclothed. 

Last year's winners were Mr. and Mrs. Duke and Leslie McCoy. Mrs. McCoy 
stands five-eight, bust size thirty-eight, cup (which she never uses) C, 
hips thirty-six, waist twenty-two. She's supple, tan all over, and she eats 
only natural foods. Her husband is the Adonnis type, equally healthy 
looking. 

Our interviewers spoke with the McCoys just after they accepted the Golden 
Nude Award: 

"Did you think you'd be the winners?" 

Mr. McCoy: "Well, it's kind of-" 

Mrs. M: "Let me answer that one, Duke. With this chest and my hips and my 
legs, with skin like mine-see how rosy my complexion is?-and with big brown 
nipples like I've got-here, take a closer look-how could they not find in 
my, I mean our favor. We had it hands down." 

"But the competition? There were other handsome couples?" 

Mrs. M: "Not the way I see it, buddy. I think me and Duke are the most 
sensuous people you'll ever meet. We've been nude all our lives. Our parents 
were nudists. It's not like we just got started going naked, you know. We 
nearly invented the thing, this naked stuff, you see? It's not like we're 
amateurs, you know." 

"Is that right, Duke?" 

Mr. M: "Well, Leslie's got a point there, See-" Mrs. M: "You're damn 
straight I've got a point there. What do you think? That I'd go talking off 
the top of my head? I like going naked. I live for naked. I get up in the 
morning and thank my lucky stars that I'm not so dumb that I think I have to 
put on my clothes. I get up and like I tell Duke all the time, I got to go 
naked all day or I get crazy. You put a sock on my foot and I feel 
sophisticated. You stick me with a skirt and I feel like a fish out of 
water. No sir, naked is me and I is naked." 

"Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. McCoy, I'm sure our readers will enjoy hearing 
that." 

like many nudist enthusiasts, Mr. and Mrs. McCoy live in a small nudist 
colony where they very rarely wear more than a towel or a pair of shoes. 
Such colonies have devised a number of their own special competitions which 
include "The Most Natural Nipple" (judged on slant and angle, size and 
shape, contour and proportion), "The Most Perfect Naked Breasts" (criteria 
being, again, shape, contour and proportion, complexion, coloring, and sense 
of poise), "Smoothest Naked Hips" ("the lean look," we were told, is in) and 
"Best Tanned Buns" (last year's winner being a fifteen year old third 
generation nudist female with two, perfectly matched mellow brown cheeks, 
pictures of which decorate the main indoor recreation area of the colony). 

Striving for excellence in the buff is the main goal of the nudist 
competitions, and the contests. 

The largest nudist colony of all time was in existence for approximately two 
weeks during the month of July in 1971. Three branch Naked Societies 
attempted to unite in one Southern California facility, thus bringing 
together more than fifteen thousand naked people in a space equal in size to 
about five football fields. The organizations separated after a fortnight, 
however, due to a sudden increase in the number of molestings by people 
claimed to be members who turned out to be strangers who'd come to the 
colony in disguise. 

NYMPHOMANIA 

Exaggerated cases of sexual abuse are often confused with true nymphomania. 
But the medical journals abound with case studies detailing this particular 
psycho-kinetic ailment, and there is no mistaking it from any other when the 
symptoms are properly diagnosed. 

Dr. Gordon Krotclidom, specialist in sexual aberration, was our source on 
this particular category. Dr. K as he-likes to be called made this rather 
conclusive statement: 

"I've culled the journals. I've read everything and I've traveled all over 
the world and visited just about every asylum, public and private, that 
you'd care to mention. like yourselves, I wanted to know for sure what woman 
in this world had the worst case ever of nymphomania. You know what I mean, 
I'm sure: I was looking for a case of nymphomania extraordinaire. 

"Well, I'll tell you something, and you can publish this anywhere you want 
to: I found her. I found the nymphomaniac who has set not just the world 
record, but the record for the universe, for the galaxy, for all time. Her 
name is Jenny. 

"Little Jenny. Poor little Jenny. This darling little child, I must tell 
you, gentlemen, has the features of an angel. Her cheeks swell up with the 
rosiest smile you've ever seen at the drop of a hat. She giggles when you 
say anything at all about her, and she oozes clit juice when you so much as 
mention something even remotely related to sex. I swear to you that this 
child, afflicted as she is with mysterious nymphomania, should be worshiped 
instead of cursed. 

"Alas alack, though, my only purpose in finding the child was to attempt to 
cure her. First let me tell you about her background. 

"I found the child while on an extended trip to Spain. I'd given up the idea 
of curing the ultimate case of n.p., and I was taking my rest at a beach 
resort on the southern coast. It was afternoon and I was just finished 
sunbathing when, as I picked up my towel and shook the sand from it, I 
caught sight, from the corner of my eye, of a young brown beauty, ethereal 
in both flesh and spirit, being man-handled into the back of a van. 

"Who Jenny's would be abductors were and what they intended to do with her 
had they succeeded in whisking her off the beach I will never know. As I ran 
to the young girl's aid they hurried off with their mission incomplete, 
leaving Jenny crying and fallen on the ground. 

"The child and I became friends instantly, and it was only three hours later 
that I realized she suffered from a nearly incurable case of sexual 
nymphomania. 

"Jenny's symptoms were classic. Although only sixteen years old, she'd had 
intercourse-I later learned from her during hypnosis-with no less than two 
hundred young men. She masturbated twice daily in an effort to achieve 
orgasm, succeeding infrequently. Frustrated with all other forms of 
time-passing, unable to read a book or watch TV with any pleasure, Jenny 
looked to fucking as the way to make sense of her life. 

"There is no doubt in my mind that this girl is the world's most prolific 
nymphomaniac. When I brought her back to Los Angeles for observation, she 
fucked everyone in her ward in a matter of two days. By the time we isolated 
her-one of the in-patients had clap-the entire floor was infected with v.d. 
Alone in her cell-like room, padded, naturally, with plenty of Kleenex and 
k-y, Jenny was encouraged to consummate her sexual desires as often as it 
pleased her. Sometimes she would do so-we have all of this on medical video 
tape, of course-three or four times a day. 

"Once, during a session, she actually fingered herself into ecstasy while 
talking to me about a young man she'd fucked when she was twelve years old. 
It was quite a worthwhile experience to treat this young woman. 

"I consider Jenny to be nearly completely cured. Every now and then she 
involves herself with a complete stranger, but for the most part she's 
learned to control her somewhat bizarre desires." 

NYMPHOMANIAC-YOUNGEST 

The youngest nymphomaniac ever heard of was Leslie Argon, a twelve year old 
girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She stood about five-two at the 
age of ten, with fully developed mammaries and genitalia. It was rumored, 
when the girl turned eleven, that she was having affairs with husband on her 
back. But no one knew for sure until a few months later when the child was 
arrested for lascivious conduct in the presence of two adult males. Both of 
the men were set free, but the twelve year old girl, Miss Argon, was held on 
three counts of exhibitionism. Later that year, in a suburban orgy in her 
own house, Miss Argon fucked no less than fifteen people, ten males and five 
females, all of them at least ten years her elder. Leslie Argon-there is no 
doubt about it-was the youngest nymphomaniac in the history of the world. 

SEXUAL ORGANS-FEMALE 

Though most studies show that the size of the sexual organ has no bearing on 
the quality of satisfaction one gets when using it, men and women alike 
continue to promote an interest-perhaps it's just curiosity-in who's got 
what and how big it is. 

The largest vagina in the history of the world belongs to Mary Ellen Foyt 
who lives presently in Portugal. Ms. Foyt claims that her labia stretch from 
between five inches in length to well over eight when she's aroused. The 
orifice itself will accommodate a cylinder five inches across and fourteen 
inches long. Physicians in two countries, West Germany and U.S.A., have 
measured Ms. Foyt's extraordinary flesh crater, and they have confirmed that 
indeed, according to medical history, there is no female organ larger. 

Our reporters, curious about what kind of sensuous experiences Ms. Foyt has 
had, flew to Portugal and met with Mary Ellen in an exclusive interview. She 
answered questions as follows: 

How old are you, Ms. Foyt? 

"Twenty-one, just last week." 

When did you realize that you had a rather exceptionally large vaginal 
orifice? 

"It was about ten years ago, when I was just turning eleven. I couldn't find 
anything big enough to satisfy myself when I masturbated. I started using 
two and three hot dogs but it didn't help. I asked my brother if I couldn't 
use the handle of his pogo stick for something secret and he said I could. 
That worked for a while, but eventually I thought of myself as being gross 
for doing such things with something metal. Don't ask me why. 

"Anyhow, after I got into puberty I started to talk with other girls. You 
know, in the locker room after gym, walking home from school, times like 
that, and I found out from them from the way they talked that maybe I had 
something different. They told me they were able to satisfy themselves using 
their fingers. 

"Naturally, after my first doctor's appointment I knew for sure that 
something was strange with my organs. The doctor nearly fainted when he 
started feeling around in there and couldn't find any end to it. 'Where's 
the bottom, Ms. Foyt?' he asked me. I told him I didn't know, somewhere, 
down inside. He left the room and came back with a measuring rod, some sort 
of scientific sterile instrument, all shiny and brassy looking. He stuck 
that think in and just kept letting it go deeper and deeper. I smiled and 
all, and he blushed. After he finished measuring it off, I asked him if I 
could keep the rod. He understood what I wanted it for, and of course, 
having just seen how deep I was, he knew why. That's how I found out I was 
endowed in a somewhat unusual fashion." 

Has having the biggest vagina in the world affected your sex life? 

"Only to this extent: when I tell someone, a guy or a girl, just to have 
something to say, they kind of look at me funny, as if maybe I'm crazy or 
something. The guys who are interested, I let them find out for themselves. 
Just because it's a big hole doesn't mean I can't squeeze down and give a 
good juicy rubbing. In fact, I probably have more muscle power in my cunt 
than I do in my bicepts. It's amazing, I'm told, what a good squeeze I can 
give when I try. No one, I should add, ever drowned in there." 

Ha, ha. Let us ask you one more question: did you ever wish for a smaller 
hole, for something more "normal"? 

"No, never. I kind of like having this hole of distinction. It's something 
unique. I can always remember that no matter whatever else I do in life, I 
have one great achievement. I'll be remembered in history for this, you 
know. The biggest cunt is not something that people toy with." 

Unless, say our reporters, you get just a little bit lucky! 

MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-WEIGHT 

The heaviest penis known to exist was a five inch fatty who's owner was 
Cardinal Drake Envy of The Apiscopal Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The 
Cardinal, in an effort to demonstrate that he practiced what he 
preached-celebacy-produced his manly organ in a ceremony and claimed that 
despite the huge size of his organ it had never been even once aroused to 
erection. A female physician in the congregation, realizing that the 
Cardinal's meat was one of the strangest she'd ever laid eyes on requested a 
visitation with the man of the cloth. He agreed, she explained that for 
medical reasons she would like to weigh his penis. In the name of God's 
science, the Cardinal agreed and they went that day to the Tulsa 

Hospital where the Cardinal's organ was placed on a very delicate metric 
scale. He weighed in at just under five pounds. 

Contenders since that weight was made have come close to outdoing the 
strange priest, but they've all had to put one ball into the scale in order 
to match the record. Cardinal Envy's record remains in tack. 

MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-LENGTH 

This much sought after world record belongs to Edward Allen Greggor who was 
twelve years old at the time a measurement of his phenominal tool was made. 
The young boy, having heard of a local competition, reported to the Elks 
Club meeting hall where the contest was being held. Judges told the boy that 
participants had to be over sixteen years of age. He insisted that he had as 
much right as any of the applicants to have his dick measured. They conceded 
that though on a state level the rules of competition didn't allow under-age 
participants that on a national competition age was no criteria. Greggor was 
allowed to enter the contest and his extended muscle was measured off at 
twenty-four inches. He received a certificate of merit verifying his record 
setting victory from the National Penile Institute. When Greggor turned 
eighteen he sought out plastic surgeons to give him something a little less 
unwieldy. They made the appropriate adjustments and Greggor now lives 
happily with his wife who is satisfied with the young man's comparatively 
meager fourteen inches. 

MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-LARGEST DIAMETER 

A Chinaman named Wong, forty-five years old at the time of the measurements, 
reported to his physician that he was having muscle pains in his back. The 
doctor inspected Wong's back and found nothing out of order. Just as Wong 
was about to dress, however, the physician took note of the Chinaman's huge 
tool, seven inches across. He recorded the size and then gave Wong a 
support. His back aches disappeared two weeks later, just a day after he was 
reported as the man owning the world's fattest dick. 

MALE SEXUAL ORGAN-STRONGEST 

The biggest most muscular tool is not necessarily the strongest. 

A miner in West Africa reports that he is able to go non-stop with fourteen 
women without ever losing his erection. It is a remarkable skill, we think, 
and one which deserves mention. 

However, as for confirmed reports of muscular prowess, we must go with the 
traditionally accepted winner, Mr. Leonard Wiener of South Al-hambra, 
California. 

Mr. Wiener's record breaking performance has been long noted as a miracle in 
the field of penis work. On a sultry August afternoon in 1954 he stepped out 
onto his front lawn and announced that he would fuck any and all women who 
showed up from the hours of five to eight that night. 

Naturally, everyone in the neighborhood, known for its hard-hat notions and 
conservatism, scoffed at Mr. Wiener's somewhat pretentious announcement. 

But that night, at eight o'clock, his organ still stiff, Mr. Wiener had done 
as he'd promised. No less than twenty horny young girls had shown up dressed 
incognito-sunglasses, scarves, raincoats-and had entered Mr. Wiener's house 
seeking the satisfaction that he'd promised. All but one of the young women 
left smiling and totally satisfied. That last one stayed on through the 
night. 

An interview with Mr. Wiener follows: 

"I don't think it's such a big deal," he says, "having the largest thing in 
the world. I laugh at those guys who say they got big dicks. I myself don't 
have such a large one, only seven inches. And my balls aren't so big, 
neither. Guys at work, they all think it's how big you are. Not me. I say 
it's how long you can last. I proved it that night in 1954. Those girls were 
all pretty fucking happy when they left my house, and that's, for my money, 
what really counts. It's strength, endurance in an erect muscle that I gave 
those girls, not just something fat. You know what I'm talking about?" 

Mr. Wiener and his wife now life in Redondo where curious tourists sometimes 
visit him and request autographs. He signs with a ballpoint pen which he 
ties to his dick for that purpose. 

MULTIPLE ORGASMS-MALE 

Until recently it was believed that men were incapable of multiple orgasm. 
But Jack Learner reported to his physician the following curious phenomenon: 

"Doc, I got a problem. I get it on with my wife and she gets off and I start 
coming. It's not ordinary, though. I keep going. I keep squirting. It's not 
something I can stop. I just keep ejaculating. 

"Last night I shot out so much sperm I thought we were going to drown in the 
stuff. It's awful, don't you know, because it gets slippery so quick and I 
keep cuming. She pulled off me last night and I was still squirting. Then 
she swallowed on it for a while and still I was cuming. She finally 
masturbated me for a while and I slowed down. There must have been forty 
squirts of that stuff if there was one." 

When the doctor asked him if this had happened before, Mr. Learner said that 
once when he was a kid a similar thing had happened. Mr. Learner had 
masturbated and filled a bucket with his ejaculation. Other than this one 
case of male multiple-orgasm, there are no others on record. 

MULTIPLE ORGASMS-FEMALE 

Cindy Bernard reported having had fourteen straight cums from one session of 
intercourse with her favorite lover, a Mr. Allen Whippey. Whippey, when 
interviewed, said that he was rather happy to know that his girlfriend could 
cum so well. He was somewhat disappointed, though, to find out that he had 
very little if anything to do with it. For once he'd fucked Cindy, and had 
withdrawn his muscle, the woman continued to cum with no assistance from 
Whippey at all. 

"I don't know how it happens," says Miss Bernard, "but I love it. I feel the 
earth shake and my legs go wild and I start juicing like a mother-fucker. 
It's not something I have any control over. I just get to cuming and cuming 
and there's no stopping me. Maybe it's the way Allen plays with my nipples, 
or maybe it's the shape of his tool. It doesn't happen with anyone else. I 
know he says that it's got nothing to do with him, but that's just not true. 
You know what I mean? It's got nothing to do with anyone but him! It's love 
that makes me cum so many times, you know what I mean? It's love!" 

Miss Bernard's vagina is four inches deep, a slender slit buried in a 
tightly knit pubic fur framed by supple taned thighs. Doctors have found no 
mutations in her clit or inner walls which would make such rapid multiple 
cums more-likely in this particular woman, and, consequently they conclude 
that the multiple orgasm syndrome in Miss Bernard is strictly the result of 
her psychology. 

SEXUAL ORGY-THE LONGEST 

The longest sexual orgy took place in North Dakota five years ago. There, in 
a two-story mansion, more than fifty guests consummated themselves in one 
way or another. 

A score chart for the Dakota orgy was kept by the hostess, Miss Lyla Elbert. 
"We kept records, you see, starting in the second hour. I guess I had a 
feeble hunch that we were up to something big. Anyhow, the record went like 
this: if you slept with a woman one time you marked your initials by her 
name. Similarly, if you were a woman and you had an orgasm with a man, you 
put your initials by his name. For each cuming, there was a set of initials 
inscribed next to the partner's name. So, by the end of the two days-or was 
it three?we had a complete file on the number of orgasms for those fifty 
people." 

All in all, Miss Lyla Elbert's twenty male guests and thirty female guests 
totaled up three-hundred and twenty-eight orgasms. About thirty per cent 
through the ass-hole, and the remainder by penis-vagina methods. 

SEXUAL ORGY-THE SHORTEST 

The shortest sexual orgy on record to date took place in Cleveland, Ohio. 
There, Mr. Douglas Rolland, statistician extraordinaire, accomplished a 
remarkable feat. In less than two hours he satisfied the sensuous whims of 
approximately eight women. 

"I can't be sure," says the scientist of numbers. "Isn't that funny? Me, a 
numbers man from way back, and I can't tell you for sure if it was eight or 
nine or seven women? But I can tell you this, without any sort of 
qualification: there was more sex and more pleasure in that little room in 
that little time than I ever thought possible. If I wasn't sucking on a 
breast or titilating a nipple, then I was eating out someone's vagina and 
getting my dick licked at the same time. There were women to the left and 
the right and ontop of me and underneath me. I was in heaven, flesh fucking 
heaven, I tell you! I recommend it for everyone! Really. I mean it. A short 
orgy is just what the world needs now. You can quote me on that. Really. Try 
it. You'll like it." 

PHALLIC SCULPTURES 

As long as there has been civilization there have been sculptures in honor 
of the penis. Sex plasters, a supposedly innovative form linked with rock 
and roll and groupies, are really nothing new. The ancient societies of 
Greece and Rome, in fact, specialized in the production of finely crafted 
aesthetic phallic objects, some from wood, others from brass, many of which 
were later used as symbolic tributes to the men who inspired them. 

As for the current record holder, the person who owns the largest collection 
of such objects d'art, however, Lorrie Anne Davies, a resident of Southern 
California, wins hands down. 

Lome's collection of sculpted and molded phallic items includes plaster 
casts of no less than three hundred erect penises. For this portion of her 
collection, Miss Davies hired several assistants and organized an approach 
and assault system on her four hundred choices of men who's dicks she felt 
needed preservation for future cultures. She has this collection displayed 
in her living room and dining room and has numbered the casts using the dewy 
decimal system for easy cataloguing. 

In her back yard, as a testament to men in general, Miss Davies has a large, 
brass plated and ivory and alabaster in-laid prick standing five-feet seven 
inches high. It comes from a collection, she claims, ordered built in the 
seventeenth century in Italy, and, according to Miss Davies, it is the only 
sculpture of its kind still in existence. 

Smaller mementos decorate Miss Davies' bedroom and kitchen. These include 
electric vibrators, rubber prongs, double-attack stimulators, rhino swords, 
serrated ticklers and similarly exotic stimulators and simulators from all 
over the world. 

Miss Davies rents her museum pieces on a daily or weekly basis. For further 
information contract her directly. 

BIGGEST ARTIFICIAL PHALLUS 

The platinum plated steel crowned five story ornately designed mushroom head 
prick on display in the Garden Park off the New Jersey Turnpike, Exit 53 2A, 
is the largest known artificial phallus in the world. 

This testament to the male genitalia was designed and constructed by Lippy 
and Company in an effort to promote a sister organization's campaign for the 
sale of prophylactics. A huge neon sign backgrounds the advertising 
sculpture with the blue and red words: "Better Safe Than Sorry-Over 
Population Is Your Problem, Too! Buy Lippy Rubbers!" Every hour on the hour 
the huge steely phallus ejaculates an eighteen squirt load of foamy sea 
brine in order to simulate the male orgasm. Huge twin marble nuggets adorn 
the base where visitors are sold post cards and receive free a sample 
product. 

PROSTITUTION 

Fornication for money dates back several thousand years. To cull the history 
books for the following achievements in this category we used our entire 
research staff and came up with some quite startling record holders. 

Oldest Prostitute 

There is a myth from sixteenth century England which we believe was based on 
fact and passed down as fiction. It tells of the old char woman living in 
London during the worst possible time who, in order to make ends meet, took 
up the noble profession and managed to keep it a secret from her husband 
from some fifty-five years. 

Supposedly, according to the myth, the woman was honored, when her story was 
finally told, at the age of fifty-nine, as the best lay in town, for which 
she was still receiving the equivalent of one-dollar and twenty-five cents 
per cum. 

More recently, in 1884, is the newspaper account from a small Western town 
in Nevada where Miss Carta Brent was arrested for soliciting and convicted 
on the basis of testimony provided by her last customer. If Miss Brent's 
birth records are correct, in 1884, the Madame of Nevada was going on 
eighty-nine. Unfortunately, there is no description in the news story of the 
man or woman who enjoyed Miss Brent's services. 

Youngest Prostitute 

Young girls in Rome, usually at the age of eleven or twelve, often became 
the concubines of the wealthy and powerful. The pay, room and board, and the 
hours and the culture, all influenced the families involved to consider the 
vocation as acceptable for a young girl. 

In more recent times, in countries like Sweden and Norway, often tooted as 
the liberal sexual paradises of our era, young women have been known to 
begin selling their bodies at the ages of eleven and twelve. 

The youngest hooker ever arrested in America was Miss Betty Webber. Betty's 
arrest occurred when she was twenty-one, but when the judge took special 
interest in her case, Miss Webber told her life story and revealed that 
she'd been hooking for dollars since the age of eight. "I started," she told 
the courts, "giving header to the boys on my block. They'd give me a dime or 
a quarter when I wanted it some other time. Then it got to be that I'd get 
ripped off. You know, I'd give a guy head, a kid up the street, and then a 
couple days later I'd want some gum or something and he wouldn't pay for it. 
So I started charging right then. Then I got cheated by a guy who came in my 
mouth and wouldn't pay afterwards even though he said he would. So by the 
time I was ten or so, I knew that you had to get money up front. My first 
big trick was when I was twelve. I'd been balling for this guy from school 
and his father found out about it. He asked me if I'd do him, and I did, and 
he gave me twelve bucks. That was big time for me, so I kept it up. It 
wasn't long before I had enough money to buy just about anything I wanted. 
So I quit school in eighth grade and got my own apartment in downtown. From 
then on it was a breeze. I like doing it. I guess I never knew anything 
else. Some people say I'm wasting my life. I don't think so. I look around 
and I see plenty of people who have everything they want and they're not 
happy. They have husbands and houses and cars and kids. They think I'm crazy 
not to clean up my act. I'll tell you something, your honor, I don't think 
those people know what they're talking about. They fuck once a week and 
consider themselves lucky. They never have enough money. Me, I fuck all day 
long and I'm always rolling in the moolah. What's a girl supposed to do? 
What would you do?" 

(The judge, incidentally, freed Betty Webber on five thousand dollars bail 
which she paid out of pocket. As far as we know she continues to solicit 
somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area.) 

Best Paid Prostitute 

Not including book rights to life stories, leaving out gratuities and 
considering only the dollars exchanged for services, the best paid 
prostitute, according to available records (not all hookers file with the 
tax bureaus) was a French Mile. La Range. She collected, during the 
forty-two years of he dutiful service, the franc equivalent of three and 
one-half million dollars. A do-gooder from the word go, Mile. La Range 
willed her assets upon death to the Institute for The Prevention of V.D. and 
to The Hooker Bail Fund of Paris. (This latter gift, by the way, made it 
possible for every whore in Paris to be released immediately after her 
arrest for nearly two years, something for which at least the male 
population of France was very, very grateful. 

Most Money For One Service 

The Swedish whore, Ms. Svenda Ogleson, at the age of nineteen, received the 
dollar equivalent of five-hundred and fifty-thousand bucks for one quick 
trick. The man, a millionaire who'd turned forty without ever having had so 
much as an erection, sought out the famed Ms. Ogleson in a last ditch effort 
to enjoy a sexual consummation. It took Ms. Ogleson approximately two hours 
and twenty minutes to satisfy the wealthy client, and she claims that he 
never again suffered impotence of any sort. What she did during those two 
hours-it was part of the bargain-was never revealed. 

Most Exclusive House of Prostitution 

The Chateau Bizzare located, surprisingly, in London, boasts a clientelle of 
eighty-five of the richest people in the world. Willing to service each and 
every need of its dues paying members, the Chateau specialized in privacy 
and lecherousy. There has never, according to the Madame, ever been a 
dissatisfied customer. All sorts of sexual acts are performed in the 
elaborate Louis XVI stylized castle. The individual fantasies of the members 
are staged in real life with exactly the kind of detail the member requests. 
If, for example a client wishes to bathe in a fountain full of raving blonde 
beauties, such a fountain is made available. Whatever the whim or need, 
Chateau Bizzare is ready to serve. Applications for membership are taken 
twice every decade and there have never been any resignations. This 
privately endowed house of prostitution is the most exclusive in the world. 

Least Frequented 

At the other end of the spectrum is Lisa Evans. She had a one room shack on 
the south end of Highway Forty-Two in Seemy, Utah. She's been there for 
eight years, and she's got one client, her husband, and she makes him pay 
through the nose. It's rumored in some of the less polite society in that 
neck of the woods that two or three guys from town went out to Lisa about 
four years ago in search of a good time, but they found her so repulsive 
that they donated fourteen dollars in the hope she would never again 
advertise herself as capable of satisfying anyone. 

We went to the trouble of interviewing this poor wench on our way back from 
New York and we've edited some of her foul-mouthed comments: 

"I been fucking and sucking Edward-that's my excuse for a hubby-for about 
fifteen years. We get so damn bored out here I don't know what to do. It 
ain't easy being the least liked whore in the world, you know. It ain't 
fucking easy. I haven't had no clients since I can even remember. I don't 
charge a lot, either," adds the hag. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I 
got a cunt like other whores. I got good lips like the other whores. Here, 
look at my lips." She opened her mouth wide and revealed an oral cavity full 
of broken dentures and old loose fillings and a couple of her own teeth. 
"See?, I got lips, good fat wet lips, and still no one wants to have me suck 
'em off. I don't know what it is. I charge good. Two dollars for a blow job. 
That ain't a lot, what with inflation and all. Three bucks for a quickie, 
and if you want to stick around and have coffee with me and the hubby, 
that's all right, too. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know. Maybe 
I should advertise. Maybe I should get out of the business. I had a new sign 
painted two years ago. You think that helped? The most I got was a dumb 
pimply kid throwing eggs at the thing. Shit, being a whore ain't what it's 
cracked up to be, if you ask me. No sir, I just don't think it's all that 
easy an occupation. Maybe I'll try my hand at modeling next year. Maybe I 
could show off some in a store catalogue or something. Maybe then I could 
get some contacts or something. I hear those fashion photographers buy flesh 
by the pound. I might even get my rates up some. What do you think? 

"Maybe someday," she went on a little forlornly, "I'll get the word out. All 
I need is one satisfied customer and that'll do it. You know what I'm 
talking about? Just one satisfied customer and I'll be on my way to being a 
big success in this business. I can spread my legs with the best of them. 
You just wait and see. I'll show 'em. Say, how would you like to be my first 
customer in eight years?" 

At this point we decided that it would be advisable to exercise a little 
professional caution and we gently turned down the freebie offer from The 
World's Least Frequented House of Prostitution. 

SODOMY 

It's hard to give a reward for such a unique category of sexual performance. 
For instance, we had to decide whether different breeds of animals should 
make up a different contest or if we should just choose the most prolific 
sodomist for all species of beasts. 

The known facts are these: in the fertile farmland of the mid-West James 
Killgaff openly confessed to having had intercourse to the point of orgasm 
with no less than sixty of the seventy-two sheep which made up his entire 
herd. 

In another part of the country, with similar openness, Ellen Hamhock, aged 
nineteen, says that she enjoyed the pleasure of watching her husband 
copulate with cows at least once a week. 

"He uses a ladder," says the young, recently married farmer's daughter, "and 
gets up there pretty damn quick. He didn't want to tell me what he was doing 
afternoon times so I followed him out to the barn. I started to laugh but 
then I realized that it turned me on. So I sat down right there and just 
when hubby was getting it off, I got myself going with my fingers." Is 
sodomy, then, a game the whole family can play? 

Bestiality awards are hard to hand out, too. After all, even in liberated 
America there aren't that many women willing to talk openly about their 
affairs with dogs and other animals. But a one time professional bestiality 
expert, now reformed, shared with us her thoughts on the subject: 

"I'd guess I'd have to say that dog-fucking was my favorite thing to do from 
the age of fifteen to when I got married. There was something about having a 
big well-hung animal licking my face and tits, and being able to tell for 
sure that no one in the world would ever know what I did unless I were to 
say so. I mean, it was a deep dark secret that I'd go stroking my dog's 
pecker and making him cum on me and all that kind of thing. Of course, now 
that I'm married and I don't get horny that often because my husband takes 
care of business, well, I see no reason to have it on with an animal. But 
sometimes, every now and then, I get an urge and..." 

Our unnamed expert went on to tell us that she's copulated with no less than 
twenty German 

Shepherds, four Great Danes and one small mule. 

Similarly, a report came to us from a young woman in Arkansas who says that 
things sometimes get so bad in the town she lives in that she just gives way 
to temptation and has it on with whatever sort of beast happens to be 
around: 

"I don't know," she goes on to say, "if you have anyone in your record book 
who can match what I did a year ago this spring. I was seventeen and awfully 
lechy, if you get my drift. And the boy I'd been having it on with went and 
enlisted in the Armed Forces. Now that left me feeling a might on the empty 
side. He and I had raised this big Shepherd of mine from a puppy, and Bull, 
as I called him from ever since he was little, was hung like some sort of 
bull, just like his name. Well, it was a peaceful afternoon and I was 
getting just about as heated up from thinking about how lonely a girl I was 
as a girl can get. I mean, I was thinking about how nice it would be to 
spread my thighs around a fence post, for God's sake. So you see how hot it 
was for me, and how hard it was for me to resist temptation when Bull 
presented his old friendly snout to me that afternoon. I don't think I'll 
ever forget it. He came up to me and I was sitting on the front porch with 
my skirt pulled up some and he pressed his snout up between my thighs and 
started licking. It wasn't no ordinary dog-lick, neither. He knew what he 
was doing. I gave him a second or two and then I told him that I thought he 
was some dog for thinking he could get away with that and I shooed him away. 
But he came right back and that second time I just couldn't resist. I got 
down off my chair on the porch and sat down on the steps and let him lick my 
cunt all he wanted. The feel of that dog's tongue rubbing in my hungry 
little slit was just about everything that I could want from anyone anytime. 
I mean it-it was fabulous! 

"Well, one thing led to another, and I mean to tell you that me and that dog 
carried on one hell of an affair for the next three months, doing everything 
you'd care to name, from sucking to fucking to cornholing, too! Golly, it 
was just the best. 

"So if you're giving awards for beast fucks, I just want you to know that I 
personally fucked my dog Bull and had good cums from it ninety-four times 
all told." 

We're not sure, because of the lack of additional applications, how this 
record compares with others, but we offer it as evidence of some sort of job 
well done. 

TELEPHONE 

The most obscene phone call ever reported started at one a.m. on a Tuesday 
and lasted for two days. The caller, who claimed himself to be a Mr. Total 
Tongue, asked only that the young woman on the other end of the line do him 
one favor. He requested that she take her phone and place it between her 
legs. Miss Connie Deal agreed to the procedure. She arranged her two phone 
extensions so that one would be in the caller's requested position-between 
the legs with the earpiece against the vagina-and the other, second 
extension at her ear. In this manner, she was able to listen to the caller 
and also do what he wanted. Mr. Total Tongue spoke non-stop to Connie's cunt 
and ear for forty-eight hours until Miss 

Deal, finally, gave way to the great sexual arousal she was feeling and 
climaxed on the earpiece. She thanked the man called Mr. Total Tongue when 
she met him in person a week later after reading about the arrest of a man 
taken custody for littering in a phone booth. Connie Deal and Mr. Andy Lick, 
alias "Total Tongue," are now married and live happily in separate homes in 
different parts of Los Angeles County. They talk once a night and have sex 
by phone. She says enthusiastically of her new husband, "He's a real live 
wire!" 

TENNIS 

The Nude Tennis Championship playoffs held last December resulted in two 
champions, both women. Anne Baker and Linda Rodman, both twenty, outlasted 
all other contenders for the much coveted Naked Fuzz Trophy, nick-named 
after the coating on tennis balls. Both women are exceptionally supple and 
well-endowed in the chest area. Most of the male contestants had not counted 
on having to play with hard-ons. But each and every contender who entered 
into final playoff matches with the two young beauties were quickly walloped 
off the courts because of their opponents' ability to excite them. 

"I can play against a man," said one defeated pro, "but when you get out on 
the courts and come up against a set like Baker's got, two of the biggest 
titties ever, well, it's kind of hard to keep your eye on the ball. And by 
the second game I had a boner which through my balance way off and I 
couldn't get my serve in. Of course, Anne didn't help things, either, by 
bending over to pick up the balls on her own instead of using the ball girl. 
I mean, you just try and beat a woman in the nude who looks like that. It 
was her game all the way." 

And Linda Rodman, who tied Ms. Baker for the Fuzz Cup, put it this way: 
"It's a good thing neither of us are Lezzies. It would have been a very, 
very difficult match, indeed." 

For next year's match the two girls intend to work as" a doubles team, and 
already the applications to compete are pouring in-mostly from men! 

VAGINA-MOST TASTY 

When we announced this particular category for sex competition we weren't 
sure that there would be enough historical evidence or current boldness to 
get much in the way of a contest going. But to our surprise and delight a 
large number of written applications were made, descriptions and 
evaluations, mostly, made by men who judged this or that woman's vagina as 
the most edible. 

"I think my girlfriend's cunt," says one sponsor, "is the best I've ever had 
for a number of reasons. When I lick the clit there's a kind of a gush that 
starts and just keeps coming. It's all slippery juice and extremely nice 
smelling. There's no fish odor there, either. It's always a pleasure to lick 
out a pussy like that. And when she gets going, when those muscles start 
flexing in there and heating up, it's like the juice melts some and tastes 
even better." 

Another fellow wrote to us of his mistress: "Unlike my wife, Ms. X has a 
vagina that makes me want to lick her out for hours. Not that Sybil smells 
bad or tastes bad or anything like that. It's just that X has this wonderful 
scent in her vagina. It's like a combination of strawberries and cherries. I 
could lick lips like that until the doomsday." 

Unfortunately, this contestant's application was disqualified because we 
found out that his mistress uses some artificial flavoring to enhance her 
natural aroma. 

The winning entry for the most edible pussy in the world came to us in 
person. Her name, Shiela Devine, fits her body character. Shiela says of the 
scent and taste of her pie: "I keep myself clean, first off. I don't let 
anything go when it comes to my vagina. I wear a Mohawk which helps keep my 
lips fresh. I rub down daily with a soft cream with a natural base. I wipe 
that away because I don't like the idea of my man getting off on anything 
but me. 

"And when it comes time for the thing itself, when it's just about right for 
me to grab my lover around the back of his neck and let him know I want some 
good wet tongue swabbing up my labia and sucking my clitoris into twitch 
city, I let out a gush of the sweetest softest juices you'll ever get your 
tongue into." 

Our editors were in complete agreement with 

Ms. Devine after just one lick. We happily award this young woman with a 
bronzed tongue sculpture, the label of which reads, "To Ms. Shiela Devine, 
The Woman With The Most Tasty Vagina In The World."
